The Chinos
by JBKAF Productions
Summary: It's all in the pants. Summer and Seth think Ryan needs dating assistance.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We own none of it.

The Chinos

"No, Seth."

"Please?" he pleads. Summer looks back and forth between us.

"No."

"You can't just stay locked in the poolhouse forever, man. That's just not natural…."

"I'm studying." I can't believe he's still on this idea. Marissa's been gone for three days and he's been trying to fix me up since I took her to the airport. I hadn't intended on returning to school at Harbor after leaving Newport for Teresa and our child but now that I'm back in the poolhouse, I have massive amounts of summer reading to catch up on.

"Chino, come on," Summer joins in. "What do you have to lose?"

"I'm not letting you guys fix me up." I glare at Seth but he's got those eager puppy dog eyes so I can't hold his stare. Damned puppy eyes.

"Dude. You have to go out with this girl. She's hot, she's nice and she's totally low maintenance…," Seth starts.

Summer picks up the conversation. "Her name's Kimberly, and she's a senior like us that just moved in next door to me and --"

"She's so hot," Seth adds, but not without receiving a shove from his girlfriend. I smile slightly. In a twisted way, they're perfect for each other.

"Chino, you have to get back in the saddle," Summer says quietly.

"You and Coop were totally wrong for each other and now that she's gone, you have a chance to find someone that's right for you. You have a clean slate."

"And you're totally angst-free now, right?" Seth raises a questioning eyebrow.

Angst-free. That'll be the day. I can't stop from laughing.

"Ryan. Dude. Please."

"You already promised her, didn't you?"

"Well, sort of."

"Guys, I don't even know how to date, per se…." It's true. The closest I'd ever come to dating was with Marissa, and we tended to stay in and make-out rather than 'date'.

"We can teach you. Well, I can teach you, I guess," Summer says, glancing at Seth.

"You're not teaching him how to date. That's just not even cool," Seth scolds.

I come to realize that I'm not going to find any peace until I agree to this.

"Kimberly, huh?"

"She goes by Kimmie," Seth says immediately with a grin.

I can smell my doom already.

------

I'm supposed to meet 'Kimmie' at seven. Seth and Summer had originally promised to double date with us but Summer had some sort of bogus emergency at home and they had bailed. Figures. Here I go.

The restaurant is nice but not too fancy. Sandy calls it a 'bistro' and it seems laid back.

Kirsten had helped me get ready, insisting that I couldn't go out on a date in jeans. I don't think I like this dating thing. It's like I'm putting on an act, getting all dressed up so I can pretend to be interested in some girl who's pretending, too. So, after what seemed like hours of fussing, I'm in black slacks that Kirsten picked out, a tight black shirt that Summer went out and bought for me and a belt that Seth says he can't 'pull off' with his wardrobe.

I'm trying not to be grouchy. I'm trying to be angst-free.

"Are you Ryan?"

I turn and immediately feel my appetite flee.

She looks like she's walked right off the set of 'Bring it On.' She's a cheerleader in every way, shape and form. She's even wearing a short pleated skirt and a tight pink top that matches her lipstick. Tall, blonde, curvy and definitely preppy. I can feel the preppy. Anyone that wears that much make-up cannot be not low maintenance. I'm going to kill Seth.

"Yeah. Kimmie?" I force myself to smile and she seems satisfied. She stands up and I give her an awkward hug.

"You're cute." Her lips part into a smile to reveal perfect teeth. Her lips are perfect. She's a beautiful girl. Entirely too perfect for me. I've learned from my mistakes… specifically, Marissa.

"Thanks."

I guess I'm supposed to compliment her back, seeing as how she's got that pissed off look on her face.

"So, you're going to be starting Harbor in the fall?" Small talk. Not my specialty. Something I've never learned about in school.

"Yeah, my 'rents are totally retarded. They're making me go to this gay school, thinking that I'll do better in a new environment."

"Where are you from?" I'm trying to act like it matters. I don't know why Seth and Summer thought she'd be right for me. I can already tell we have nothing in common and we've only exchanged a few words.

She takes advantage of the question to launch into a long description of her old school where she was homecoming queen and cheerleading captain.

I space out when she starts talking about her ex-boyfriend who goes to UCLA.

"Um, Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't care about any of this, do you?" she asks with a grin. Now I'm really lost.

That question sounds like it should come with a slap or a drink in the face.

"No, no, I do…," I start, but I stop talking when I feel her foot pushing up my pant leg.

"You don't seem that interested," she replies.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted…." Her foot moves higher. Now I'm really distracted. Maybe I misread Kimmie.

"Well, since we're being honest…. My ex? He's not my ex. My parents don't want me to see him anymore so they moved me here. So, I really just agreed to this date because I needed the company."

"The company?" I can barely thrust the words out, but I have to make sure that I'm not getting the wrong idea.

Her foot settles into the center of the seat near my crotch. That's pretty clear. That's the idea.

"Yeah." She grins. "I'm sort of hungry…."

Wait. Nope, that's not what I was thinking. Re-group. Focus. "You want to order?"

"Not really. That's not what I'm hungry for," Kimmie murmurs mischievously.

The waitress approaches.

"I'm sorry, but we've decided to go somewhere else," I inform our young server.

Instincts are taking over. I stand up and hold out my hand. Kimmie accepts, and we leave the restaurant. She's hungry. That's good enough for me. This dating thing is suddenly a whole lot clearer. Finally, something I know how to do.

-------

I park the Range Rover and glance at myself in the mirror. I grab Seth's belt off the backseat but I'm too tired to put it back on. My hair's all messed up; Kimmie is a grabber, but I don't have time to worry about that. I'm late for curfew, but at least the lights are out in the big house. I make my way to the poolhouse.

"Hey! How'd it go, stud?" Summer calls as I flip the light switch in the poolhouse.

Summer and Seth are curled up on my bed. I don't want to know what they've been doing on it. I'll have to change the sheets.

"I don't think I'll be going out with her again." I'm telling the truth, at least. They don't need to know the details.

"What happened? You didn't hit it off?" Seth asks, clearly unhappy that I didn't come back with loving feelings for little Kimmie.

"Not really. We don't have anything in common…."

"Why do you look so…disheveled?" Summer asks, raising an eyebrow as her eyes scan over my body.

"I rode home with the windows down." It is true. I had to get the smell of sex out of the Rover. I hadn't wanted to do it there, but Kimmie… well, Kimmie isn't all that patient.

"So dinner sucked?"

Dinner's not the only thing that sucked.

"Ryan?" Summer urges.

Thank God I didn't say that out loud.

"We didn't really eat that much."

"So you were just really bored?" Seth asks.

God, the questions. So many questions….

"We weren't bored, exactly," I reply. "Just not compatible." In a relationship. We were pretty compatible in other areas. She was limber.

"Damn, Ryan, I thought you guys would hit it off," Summer says. "But next time…."

Next time? No, no, no, that can't be good.

"Summer, there won't be a _next time_."

"You can't give up after one bad date," Seth chimes in.

It wasn't really a bad date…it wasn't really a date at all.

"Guys, I'm really tired. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Well, sorry it didn't work out for you, bro. I guess we'll let you brood," Seth says, helping Summer to her feet.

"Thanks."

I just want to go to bed. But first, I have to change those sheets….

-------

The next morning, I'm late getting to the kitchen so I grab a bottle of juice and set my backpack on the table.

"Mom's taking us to school," Seth tells me from his seat at the counter.

"Cool," I say between gulps.

"So, are you mad at me?"

"Why?"

"For setting you up on the date from hell."

"It wasn't that bad, Seth." I thought this conversation was over. I don't want to talk about this today. I want to go to school, then come home and sleep. I don't want to worry about my 'depressing romantic options' as Seth so kindly puts it.

"Seth, Ryan, can you guys help me with these boxes?" Kirsten calls from the other room.

"Come on, Seth," I urge, happy for the opportunity to walk away from this conversation.

"I have to get these to the Newport Group after I drop you guys off." Kirsten smiles at us as we enter the room. "How was your date, Ryan?"

Damn.

"It sucked and he hates me," Seth answers for me, picking up a box and walking out.

"It wasn't that bad, we just weren't compatible," I tell Kirsten, whose face is glazed with confusion. I pick up another box and carry it out before she can ask anymore questions.

These people are relentless.

Seth has placed his box on the front seat so I deposit mine on the floor below.

"Thanks, guys." Kirsten smiles and shakes her keys. "I'm ready if you guys are."

Seth climbs in and I walk around the Rover, getting in on the opposite side.

Kirsten slowly pulls out of the driveway while tuning the radio to an overly perky morning show. Seth is fidgeting beside me. I lean my head against the window and close my eyes. He must have an itch.

Seth gasps suddenly and I jerk my head up and brace myself, assuming we're about to be t-boned or something equally drastic. I quickly scan the road and see no impending danger. Seth, however, is holding something that apparently has him horrified. His face has lost all color and his eyes dart from his mother, to me and back to his mother again.

Kirsten is laughing at something on the radio, oblivious to the scene behind her.

Oh shit. I recognize the blue wrapper and immediately rip it from his fingers and stuff it into my pocket. Shit. I thought I'd cleaned out the truck.

He's still staring at his mother in horror. Oh God, he thinks it's Kirsten's garbage. I nudge him and shake my head slightly.

"But…," he mouths, his eyes still wide with shock.

"No…," I mouth back, shaking my head.

His brow furrows in confusion.

I can't believe he thinks his mom would fuck in the Rover. Kirsten's more high class than that. I doubt she's ever done it in a car.

"Kimmie!" Seth says suddenly before covering his own mouth.

I close my eyes and turn my face away.

"What was that, Seth?" Kirsten asks, turning down the radio and eyeing her son in the rear-view mirror.

He doesn't answer, he's just shaking his head at me with a disappointed, yet slightly awed, look on his face.

"Seth? You guys are awfully quiet," Kirsten says suspiciously.

"I don't think there are any words for what I'm thinking right now," Seth says quietly.

"Shut up," I whisper.

"Dude --"

"Shut up."

"Wait 'til I tell Summer," he hisses at me with a mirthful grin.

"I am going to kick your ass," I murmur so that Kirsten doesn't hear me.

Seth laughs. I sigh and let my forehead rest against the window. It's going to be a long day.

------

"Dude…dude!" Seth is calling to me but I just speed up my stride in walking away from him. "Dude!" He grabs my arm and I'm forced to stop.

"What?"

"What's up, guys?" Summer pecks Seth on the cheek before eyeing me up. Undoubtedly, she, too, will want answers.

"Yeah, Ryan, what exactly is up?" Seth grins. I'd like to smack that grin off his face.

"I have to get to class." I cringe at my own lame attempt to change the subject.

I notice Seth whispering in Summer's ear, and before I can walk away, she gasps and slaps my upper-arm. Hard. That'll leave a hand print for sure.

"Ow…." I take a step back and rub the stinging skin on my arm.

"That's not how you date, Chino!" she scolds. Summer's eyes are flashing with anger. I fear I'll be the next victim of one of her fits.

"Guys, it wasn't like that…," I try pleading my case.

"So you and Kimmie didn't get it on in the back of my mom's Range Rover?"

Well, when he puts it like that…. Summer reacts quickly when I hesitate, and slaps her palm hard against my other arm.

"Jesus!" I yelp as her hand connects. For a little person, she's got some unimaginable power.

"That's not how you treat a girl, Chino!"

"I…that's what she…I wasn't the only person there!"

Summer places her hands on her hips. Oh God, I can sense a lecture coming on.

"You're clueless, Chino. You know that?"

Well, I don't have a clue what she's talking about, if that's what she means.

I don't feel safe answering, so I stand there… speechless. If I knew what she wanted me to say, I'd say it. Anything. As long as she stopped with the hitting.

Her face softens and she steps forward. I tense, waiting for another devastating blow.

"Oh relax, I'm not going to hit you again," she demands, waving a hand in the air.

"She hits hard, doesn't she?" Seth mumbles from behind her.

"Shut-up, Cohen," she snaps.

Seth nods and steps back. I now realize why he so rarely challenges Summer - or should I say, 'iron fist'.

"You're going to do this again, and this time, we're going to be there." She motions towards Seth and herself.

My eyes widen in surprise. I didn't think Summer was into that sort of thing. Hell, I don't even know if I'm into that sort of thing. I can see Seth's jaw dropping as well.

Summer's eyes narrow in confusion. "Not _that_, you idiot," she scolds in disgust. "Dating! We're going to double date."

Oh. Well, that makes more sense. Seth almost looks disappointed. I shake my head and try not to think about that too much.

However, her words quickly set in. The mere thought of double dating is traumatizing. It's hard enough worrying about impressing one person, let alone dealing with two, gawking, analyzing spectators.

"I don't think that's a good --"

"Too bad, Chino," Summer interrupts. "You had your chance with Kimmie. We're taking over from here."

"Guys," I start with a laugh, "I don't even want to 'date'…especially not like this."

"So what? You're just going to sleep your way around until you meet the right girl?"

My eyes drift off to the side and I raise my eyebrows as I contemplate the question. She makes it sound so wrong….

"No. Uh uh," she shakes her head, grabs me by the arm and starts down the hall. Seth follows obediently. "We'll take care of everything from here on. You'll just have to show up." She stops abruptly and glares at me, her fingers gripped tightly around my forearm.

"You're doing this. You'll thank us for it later."

She doesn't give me a chance to object before striding for the classroom door across the hall.

Seth backs away, his palms turned up, an apologetic smile on his face. "Sorry, dude," he whispers before disappearing into the room behind Summer.

Oh yeah. Nothing can go wrong with this plan….


	2. Chapter two

__

Disclaimer: We own the chinos. Other than that, it's all about you, Mr. Schwartz.

****

The Chinos - Chapter Two

"So what are you doing? You sound like you're walking around…."

"I'm going out."

"I don't believe it. Ryan Atwood is leaving his poolhouse? Alert the authorities!" Teresa is just hilarious these days.

"Yes, I am. Not by choice, though." I stand in front of the closet with the phone to my ear.

Teresa calls every couple of days, just to check in. She's doing well. I know she's in counseling after losing the baby but we don't talk about that. We're friends. Maybe one day, we'll be able to talk about what happened but we hadn't found that day yet.

"They're forcing you to leave?"

"I'm dating."

"You're dating?" She laughs. "How's that working out for you?"

"Well, I'm getting dressed." I hold up a green shirt that Kirsten bought for me when I first arrived in Newport.

"They're letting you dress yourself? Don't wear that green shirt, it makes you look all pasty."

I drop the shirt on the bed. "What green shirt?"

"Wear the blue shirt, the one with the collar."

I rummage through the closet and emerge with the blue shirt Sandy gave me for Christmas.

"So, who is she?"

"I don't know. Summer and Seth are in charge."

"They're going with you?"

"Yep."

"Why? They don't trust you?"

"The first blind date didn't go so well…."

"Ah. So this isn't your first attempt. So you went out once and they decided you needed a babysitter?"

"Pretty much," I reply. I'm wearing jeans this time, I don't care what Kirsten says.

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

"What are you talking about?" I'm such a horrible liar.

"You don't need a babysitter, you need a chaperone!" She laughs.

"I'm so glad you can laugh at my expense."

She's still laughing. "You slept with your blind date, Ryan? That's just wrong…."

"Why are you giving me a hard time?"

"Did you even eat dinner?"

"Well…what the hell are you talking about?" I'm smiling. She knows me entirely too well.

"What, we only had dinner, like, twice, right? We'd sit down, flirt and then we'd find a bed…."

"Exactly. So what's so wrong with that?" I pull the blue shirt on over my wife-beater and start to button it. I wonder if I should tuck it in. I'm obviously not well-educated on blind date etiquette.

"You didn't even know this girl…."

"It was, like, the only thing we had in common." This is true.

"Shut up!" She laughs. "So Seth and his girlfriend are going with you?"

"It's called a double date."

"Ryan Atwood on a double date…hell is freezing over."

It's good to hear her laugh. Even if it is at my expense.

A knock at the door is followed by Summer and Seth walking in.

"Who are you talking to? You're not even ready! Are you even going to comb your hair?"

Summer starts immediately.

"Sounds like you're in trouble. Let me know how it turns out, okay?"

"Of course. But you already know it's going to be a disaster."

"I'm expecting nothing less," she says with a laugh. I close the phone.

"Who was that?"

"Teresa."

Seth flinches but doesn't speak.

"You know we still keep in touch." I have no idea why he's surprised; she was here for lunch last weekend.

Summer is beside me now, straining in her platforms to muss my hair. "This is just,

pathetic, Chino. You're, like, totally helpless."

"Like the shirt?"

"The blue is good for you, but the jeans have got to go."

"I'm comfortable." I didn't know I was capable of whining. This whole dating thing is such a learning process.

"But you have an ass, you should show it," Summer informs me.

"Wait a second. You've been checking out his ass?" Seth waves his hands around.

I'm staying out of this one. I return to my closet for Summer-approved pants.

"He has a very nice ass."

"What about my ass? You don't think I should show off my ass?"

"You're not for sale, you don't have to advertise," she replies.

"So now I'm for sale?" I ask, holding up a pair of cargo pants for her approval.

"Yes. And we are your pimps. Put those pants back. What about those black ones from the social the other night?"

"You did look nice in those pants," Seth says.

Silence. Summer and I both turne to stare at him.

"She can look at my ass. You cannot," I state firmly.

"I wasn't necessarily talking about your ass, those were just nice pants," Seth insists.

"Stop checking out Chino's chinos, Cohen," Summer says with disgust before turning back to face me. "Black pants, blue shirt and you will comb your hair. We have to pick her up in twenty minutes, so that gives you exactly…three minutes to get dressed. Chop, chop, Chino."

I can tell that this is going to be a night to remember.

-------------

"Ryan, this is Rebecca --"

"Becca," the tall, lanky girl corrects Seth with a scowl. She seems…pleasant.

"It's nice to meet you." I try smiling at her, and she returns the gesture with a flirtatious batting of her eyelashes as she climbs into the back of the Range Rover. With the limited light in the car, I can see that her hair's brown, stick straight, parted in the middle and tucked behind her ears. She's thin - even thinner than Marissa and she must be close to the same height. She seems nice but…stiff. Sadly, she might actually be what I need.

I slowly turn away and stare out the window. Seth and Summer chat loudly in the front. For the most part, Becca and I are silent with the exception of the occasional sigh she lets out. The silence is disrupted when Seth touches on the subject of food. He wants chicken, Summer wants a burger. Becca wants none of that.

"That's just truly disgusting. Animals have rights. They don't have the right to kill us, so why should we kill them?"

"Uh…what?" Seth stammers. I briefly catch his eyes in the rearview mirror, but pull away quickly in fear that I might burst out laughing.

"Animals wouldn't eat you!" she shoots back. I turn and she looks over at me, a smile playing on her lips. I don't know if she's just trying to get a rise out of Seth, but this is entertaining to watch anyway.

"Well, _Becca_," Seth starts, signaling to pull into the parking lot of the restaurant, "I'm pretty sure that if I was alone in a jungle with a hungry tiger, it _would _eat me. Until that fateful day, I will eat my chicken and my cow, if only to fatten up for this tiger so that it's fully satisfied when it does eat me."

I can tell by Seth's voice that he's pleased with himself. It doesn't take much.

--------------

The restaurant is surprisingly less crowded than when I was here with Kimmie. The hostess sits us in a booth in the corner. Seth and Summer slide in one side, while Becca situates herself unnecessarily close to me.

The waitress kindly takes our orders and promptly delivers our drinks. Becca carefully squeezes every drop of liquid out of the slice of lemon into her glass of water. I take a generous sip from my soda and glance across the table to see Summer's eyes locked on

my date.

Seth leans toward his girlfriend and whispers something into her ear.

"What? I'm not staring!" Summer shoots back at him.

Oh my God. They can be so humiliating. I have no idea why I agreed to this.

Fortunately, our food arrives shortly after and I'm grateful that the two idiots across from me now have their meals to occupy themselves as opposed to staring at Becca and I.

"The insolence of some people who think that all they have to do is watch nine hours of a film and they totally understand Tolkien's world," Becca snaps as she picks at her plate of lettuce.

"So. Ryan's in your history class, right?" Summer interrupts.

"Mr. Taylor, yeah, how's that?" Seth echoes. I know what they're doing, and I'm going to kick Seth's ass when we get out of here. I wish they'd just shut up and let me work through this myself without their conversation prompters.

"He's an asshole," Becca says immediately. "He's a total carnivore, I hear he eats _veal_…it's just so cruel."

Summer nods and takes a large bite out of her cheeseburger.

"This lettuce is just totally not organic." Becca sighs in disgust. "Waitress?"

"Is that…cruel?" I ask. Summer chokes on her food and Seth pats her on the back, turning his head to hide the grin on his face.

"It's just gross," Becca replies dryly, brushing off my comment.

"Is everything okay?" Our waitress returns with a fake smile of her face.

"Actually, can you take this back?" Becca sighs, pushing her plate toward the edge of the table. .

"Is there something wrong with it?" The waitress feigns concern. I bite my bottom lip as I try to suppress my laughter.

"It's not organic enough," Summer mocks with a frown before stuffing her mouth once more.

Becca ignores her and pushes the glass of water with the lifeless lemon floating in it toward the edge of the table. "Can I get a bottle of water? Unopened?"

"Of course. Anything else?" The waitress meets my gaze. Her eyes are green but she's not pasty. I don't know what Teresa was talking about.

She's cute, though. She's got a sexy walk and the restaurant's uniform is filled out nicely by her curves. She winks. I smile. Then I grunt, as Summer kicks me under the table.

"No," she mouths, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"I need to go brush my teeth. Summer?" Becca stands up and waits for Summer to follow.

"Be right back," Summer says sweetly. She follows Becca to the bathroom.

"Dude, she's so not what I expected…. Like, who brushes their teeth in a restaurant?" Seth shakes his head. "I'm sorry."

I sigh. "You meant well."

"But she's…she's just a bitch," he says matter-of-factly.

The waitress returns and sets a bottle of water on the table.

"Thanks," I smile at her, ignoring Seth's glare.

"At least you're giving me a chance this time," she responds.

"Excuse me?" What the hell is she talking about? Do I know her? _Should_ I know her? I swallow nervously.

"Last time, you didn't even order drinks…but you did use our parking lot for a while."

She grins before turning and walking away. Ouch.

Seth spits out his straw and chokes on his drink. "The parking lot?" He shakes his head. I give him the finger.

"And the worst thing," Seth swallows and clears his throat, "is that she was totally trying to pick you up anyway," he finishes in a whisper before Summer and Becca return.

Summer's face is red.

"Everything okay?" Seth asks.

"Fine," she replies cheerfully. She glares at me.

I'm in trouble. I don't know why, but I know that look.

"So, Ryan. You a jock?" Becca asks.

"A jock? Not really."

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Summer whispering into Seth's ear.

"But I thought you played soccer," Becca continues.

"I did last year. Not really interested this year," I respond.

"It's the pants," Seth blurts out. Summer closes her eyes tightly and shakes her head.

Oh dear God. I often wonder why he speaks at all.

"What?" Becca asks, confused.

"He doesn't like the soccer pants," Seth stutters, red-faced, before meeting my eyes. I

don't have a clue what's going on and a part of me doesn't even want to know.

"I think you'd be cute in those little shorts," Becca smiles, but then sighs dramatically.

"But I'm against organized sports."

"Of course you are," Summer mutters under her breath.

"Would you guys like the check?" the waitress asks as she refills Seth's soda.

"Yes," Seth and Summer reply in unison.

"Coming right up." She turns toward me and pours more soda in my glass.

"Thanks."

Before I can react, I feel cold liquid splashed on my legs. The waitress sloshes a generous amount in my lap, thankfully, just missing my crotch.

I reflexively jump out of my chair and Seth gasps.

"Your pants," he whispers in devastation.

"I am so sorry," the waitress says, flushed.

"That was so unprofessional. Are you, like, a trainee?" Becca snorts.

"It's okay. Really," I insist, meeting the waitresses embarrassed eyes. "I'll be right back."

I make a quick exit to the bathroom and dry my pants as best I can with paper towels.

They really are nice pants. It would be a shame to see them ruined.

When I step out, the waitress is standing by the bathroom door, her hands nervously clutching a small towel.

"I am so sorry," she apologizes again.

"It was an accident. It's really okay."

"Your brother got the check," she adds, slightly more relaxed since I didn't yell at her.

"Thanks for your help tonight."

"I wasn't much help."

"Maybe I'll see you on my next blind date." I smile at her, suddenly a little uneasy. She's nice, but how am I supposed to talk to the person that was watching the windows of the Range Rover steam up while Kimmie and I were…uh…getting it on?

"So that bitch wasn't your choice?" she asks with a sly grin.

"Not exactly. I better go," I smile at her and turn to leave. She waves and smiles back.

She's nice.

"Come on, Chino!" Summer calls. She's standing by the door with Becca and Seth.

As I approach, Seth's eyes are glued to my pants. At least, I hope he's just looking at my pants.

"You still wet?" he asks.

Summer shoves him and he blushes red. Becca seems indifferent. I can't help but smile.

"We'll pick you guys up out front," Summer demands, pulling Seth outside roughly.

Becca takes my elbow and we walk outside.

"So, tonight sucked," she says bluntly. That's one way of putting it. At least she's honest.

"Yeah." I nod.

"You're a really sweet guy…but we have nothing in common."

What, exactly, am I supposed to say to that? "Sorry." This is awkward.

"But maybe we can still be friends," she starts, her words muffled as her lips meet mine.

After a few seconds, my shock subsides and I return the kiss. She may be a bitch, but she's a good kisser. I feel her hands slide down my back and pull up my shirt. Her fingers press into the bare skin of my lower back. I didn't know she had it in her. I thought for sure I wasn't 'organic' enough.

"Chino! Bad, Chino. Bad!" Summer's voice pierces the air and I pull away. The Rover pulls up with a lurch and she's glaring at me disapprovingly through the open window.

"Kimmie was right. You're tasty," Becca whispers to me before turning away and getting into the back seat of the Rover.

Kimmie? Summer's going to kill me.

"Get in the car, Chino!" Summer orders.

I bow my head in shame and climb into the back.

---

As Seth pulls the SUV away from Becca's house, Summer twists in the seat to face me.

"What the hell was that all about in front of the restaurant?"

"I had nothing to do with that." I reply defensively. I'm just glad I'm out of her reach.

"Dude, you were licking her tonsils." Ugh. Leave it to Seth to come up with something like that.

"She came onto me." I'm not lying; I'm innocent.

Seth grins at me in the rear view mirror. "She told Summer that she wanted you when they were in the bathroom."

"Shut up, Seth," Summer snaps.

She's instantly red in the face again, obviously embarrassed. I have to take advantage. "What, Summer?"

"She said…dirty things."

"What kind of dirty things?" This is interesting. I must have underestimated Becca.

"Ew…."

"Come on, Summer," I press. I have to say that I'm enjoying watching her squirm.

"I'm not repeating it again," she replies firmly.

"And I can't speak of such things in the context of you. Or your pants," Seth says.

"She said Kimmie said I was tasty," I say quietly.

"Kimmie's talking about your flavor?" Seth laughs.

"Ew…I'm sorry, but…ew," Summer whispers.

----

I change back into my jeans before walking into the kitchen.

"Hey, Ryan. How was your date?" Kirsten asks. Seth is at the counter flipping through a magazine.

"Another one bites the dust."

"You didn't hit it off?" she asks sympathetically.

"They hated each other," Seth chimes in. "But she still tried to get into his pants."

I can't believe he just said that in front of his mother.

Kirsten is silent for a second. "He must have been wearing those from the social the other night…."

That's even more unbelievable.

"God…Mom…. I'm going to go outside and… throw up," Seth groans in revulsion.

I don't know what his problem is. Not too long ago, he couldn't stop talking about my pants.

Kirsten waits for Seth to leave before turning back to face me. "You know," she starts quietly, and I can already tell I'm not going to like where this is going, "there's this really sweet girl that works at the Newport Group a couple days a week. Her father works in commercial development…."

I shake my head and close my eyes. As if it wasn't bad enough dealing with Summer and Seth trying to set me up, now Kirsten's participating. The difference is that I would be too nervous dating a girl that Kirsten's picked out, for fear that it would turn out 'Kimmie-style'.

"I think you two would really hit it off." She sounds so hopeful. I'd hate to disappoint her.

"Maybe," I reply with a forced smile.

"Great!" She's suddenly overwhelmingly enthusiastic. "I'll see what I can set up!"

She smiles at me for a few seconds, then leaves the room.

She'll see what she can set up. This just keeps getting better.


	3. Chapter three

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A/N - The Chinos marches on. The updates should be more regular now. Thanks so much for reviewing our beloved fluff. Love the fluff.

Disclaimer: We only own the pants.

The Chinos - Chapter Three

I get up early to try and get ready for school and avoid Kirsten. I can't believe she wants to set me up. Is it so strange that I'm single? I mean, Dawn never really gave a shit about who I was seeing. Who am I kidding? Kirsten's no Dawn.

I'm curious as to who Kirsten will pick out, though. I grab my books and hurry to the main house.

I hear Seth's voice as I walk in.

"Mom, you can't be serious. _You're_ going to pick out Ryan's next date?"

Damn. I'm never going to hear the end of this. I'm so pathetic that Kirsten's resorted to picking out my ladies. I can't stop the blush from rushing to my cheeks.

Seth grins at me.

"I am serious and she's very nice. I'm going to talk to her today." Kirsten smiles at me.

She's just too enthusiastic.

I try to be ignored as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

"Well, let me know what day she can make it so Summer and I can arrange our schedules," Seth says.

"I'm sure Ryan can take her out without you guys," Kirsten says immediately.

"No, Mom."

"Ryan's certainly capable of entertaining his own dates."

Oh God…or Moses…whoever, please let Seth lose all speech function. Please.

"I know he's capable, the entire school knows he's _capable_," Seth replies smugly.

Kirsten raises an eyebrow. I glare at him. If looks could kill, I'm sure Seth would be long gone right now.

"What I mean is, he needs moral support," Seth amends, keeping his eyes on me.

"Really? Why's that?" Kirsten asks.

I cough. Damn. She turns to look at me. She's enjoying this too much.

"It's not my idea…. Summer, she wants to make sure that he gets someone that she can stand," Seth lies.

"Yeah, that's it," I say dryly, rolling my eyes slightly. I hope Kirsten didn't see that. Seth's rubbing off on me.

Seth gives me a look. Obviously, I'm rubbing off on him, too. Kirsten turns her back to us and starts to empty the coffee filter so she can start a new pot.

Seth starts gesturing wildly. I duck to avoid his flailing arms and hands. I get the gist after he mouths, "She would kill you if you slept with her!"

He's right. But why do I have to sleep with everyone? I have self control. Hell, I can't even count all the times I turned down Marissa. He has no faith in me.

"So, Ryan, you want Seth and Summer to come with you on your date?" She has a glimmer of concern in her eyes. I glance at Seth. He's nodding emphatically. She's watching us both carefully.

I don't know what to say. Damn.

"Double dating is safe. Don't you want Ryan to be safe?" Seth asks suddenly. "I mean, what if this girl has a psycho ex-boyfriend or something?"

This is not the way to go with this discussion. We've all seen what happens when the psycho ex-boyfriends show up. People end up in the pool…in their suits.

"I'm sure Ryan can handle himself."

"Really?" Seth asks.

Kirsten smiles, amused by her son. "Okay, Seth. I'll let Donnie know that it'll be a double date."

"Donnie?" Seth and I say in unison.

"Her name's Donnatella…she goes by Donnie," Kirsten replies, nonplussed.

"Why not Donna?" Seth asks.

"Ryan can ask her all about it," Kirsten smirks, winking at me. This is getting worse by the second.

---------

My entourage was kind enough to let me drive to the restaurant this time around. I hadn't even suggested the bistro, but Summer has apparently found the only restaurant in Newport that serves burgers the way she likes them. To which Seth replied, "Big and juicy?" She hit him. But I have no problem going back to the bistro with the good burgers. I hope the nice waitress is working.

'Donnie' is supposed to be meeting me there.

"We wouldn't be late if Kirsten had left his hair alone," Summer says, reaching over from the passenger side to run her fingers through my hair.

"I still say you're a wuss if you like the chick Mom picked out for you more than the ones your friends picked out for you," Seth complains.

"Summer, stop," I tilt my head in an effort to escape her combing fingers.

"She ruined it!" Summer complains. "You look like a mop."

"A mop?" Seth asks.

"Okay, you look like a mop," she says to Seth. "Chino looks like a --"

"If you don't get your hands out of my hair, I swear, Summer…," I threaten. Finally, she removes her hands from my stiff, gelled hair and folds them in her lap.

"Ooh, touchy about the Mom hair…. I still can't believe you let her do your hair," Seth says with a laugh.

"Sandy took pictures," Summer smirks.

"What the hell? You didn't stop him?"

I can't believe this. I'd let Kirsten fix my hair because…because it made her so damn happy. I had hoped that Sandy wouldn't have seen me so…impressionable. I mean, I can fix my own hair. I can dress myself. I don't need their help, I'm just being nice.

Yeah, right.

"Oh, come on, Chino, it was cute," she laughs.

I park the Rover in our familiar space and we make our way inside.

The hostess smiles at me and doesn't wait for us to ask for our table. She hands us the menus and leads us over. Maybe we should have chosen a different restaurant. This is getting weird.

"Thanks, Ginger," Summer says.

"Good luck," the hostess responds, winking at me.

"Damn, Ryan, you're getting hit on already?" Seth teases.

"Fuck you."

Donnie isn't here yet so I let myself relax before the dating tension assails me.

"Back so soon?" The waitress grins. She sets our drinks in front of us.

"We haven't even ordered…," Seth mumbles, confused.

"Diet coke for your lady, Sprite for you and your brother," she proudly replies.

"You're definitely getting a tip tonight." He nods at her.

She gives him a patient smile before turning her attention to me. "I'm Mary."

I accept her offered hand and shake it firmly. Her skin is really soft. "Ryan."

"I'm Summer and this is Seth," Summer glares at me. I release Mary's hand.

"Nice to see you all again. I'll get your orders once the date gets here," she smirks.

"Dammit, Chino, you can't pick up girls when you're on a date!" Summer hisses once Mary walks away.

"She's our waitress; she's just being polite," I protest innocently. Mary's ass draws my attention away from Summer's lecture.

"Bad, Chino!" she slams her fist on the table for effect. The silverware clanks together. I lower my gaze.

"I'm Donnie." The voice comes from behind me.

I barely register Seth's quiet "Whoa" as I stand up to greet her.

She's gorgeous. She's a couple of inches taller than me and she has long red hair. Her eyes are green and sparkling and she's dressed conservatively in tight black slacks and a white blouse. She's way out of my league.

"I'm Ryan. Nice to meet you." I take her hand guide her into the booth next to me.

"I'm Seth and this is my girlfriend, Summer," Seth says, his face red. I can tell that Summer must have scolded him for his 'whoa' because of the way she's glaring at him.

Donnie sits down and gives me a gracious smile.

I don't know why in hell Kirsten would pick this girl for me. She's…too much. She's poised and polite and obviously skilled in the art of conversation because she immediately starts to comment on the 'atmosphere' of the restaurant.

"This place is just…so cute. It's so retro, yet so not," Donnie starts.

"That's exactly what I thought when I first came here. Their burgers," Summer pauses, narrowing her eyes. "You aren't a vegetarian, are you?"

"God, no," Donnie replies with a wave of the hand that shows how ridiculous she conceived the question to be.

I like her already. Kirsten has good taste.

"Their burgers are awesome," Summer continues.

"It's so hard to find a good burger in a sit-down restaurant," Donnie smiles. She's got a real nice smile despite her bright lipstick.

"That's what I keep trying to tell them," Summer laughs, shoving Seth for good measure.

Seth playfully shoves her back.

"You are just unbelievably picky," Seth replies.

"What about you, Ryan? You a carnivore like your friend?" Donnie asks me with a smile.

"I consider myself a connoisseur of all foods," I reply. Summer and Seth laugh immediately.

"What's so funny?" Donnie asks them.

"Ryan will eat anything. He never complains," Summer laughs. "He's like a goat."

"Oh, I'm a goat now?"

Seth baas at me. Seriously, there has to be a pill or some sort of vocal cord surgery that could spare us from these verbal outbursts of his.

Donnie and Summer lapse into a spirited conversation about the "best show ever", The Valley, but Donnie keeps giving me these cute little smiles.

I think she's into me. And she's damn hot.

Mary comes over and takes our order and she gives me a little smile, too. Damn. I must be glowing. I'm on a roll tonight. And I'm not even wearing the blessed pants.

"You don't talk much," Donnie says to me after her lapse into the soap opera is over.

"See, she knows Chino already!" Summer says to Seth, shoving him again enthusiastically.

"Stop with the hitting," Seth protests.

"Why does she call you Chino?" Donnie asks me.

"I'm originally from Chino." Here comes the bad part of the date. I can almost hear the dramatic music that would appropriately accompany the re-telling of my past.

She smiles at me. "I thought you were Kirsten's son?" There's not a trace of distaste in her voice from my mention of Chino. That, in itself, is refreshing.

"I'm Kirsten's son," Seth says quietly. "Ryan…he's not adopted but…."

"I live with them," I cut him off before he starts to babble out my life story. I'm a little surprised that Kirsten considers me her son but, after the little primping show she put on today, I guess I shouldn't be.

"Ah," she says.

"I just call him Chino because it pisses him off," Summer grins. I glare at her. "See? Isn't he so cute when he wrinkles his eyebrows up like that?"

I don't care that she's a girl, I want to hurt her.

Donnie laughs and I relax. I don't think I've been this relaxed on a date…ever. Well, if you don't count Kimmie and the backseat.

"Here are your appetizers," Mary announces, setting food on the table. "Your meals should be ready in just a few minutes."

"Thanks." Summer smiles as she eyes the plates of food.

"Summer, I need to wash up before I rip into these cheese fries, would you mind?"

Donnie stands up and Summer eagerly follows.

"I still can't get used to how girls have to go to the bathroom in packs, but anyway, dude…she's cool," Seth grins.

"Yeah. She seems pretty cool," I agree.

"I can't believe Mom's date is the best so far, I just can't…." Seth shakes his head.

"Ah, so this one's a _mom_ date," Mary says from behind me. She's smiling conspiratorially.

"Yeah, why are you so interested?" I ask with a lazy grin. I like her, too. I ignore Seth's startled glare.

"Well," she says, leaning in close as she refills my drink. "There's a little pool going on in the back. Who gets a second date with you…and this one's getting good odds."

"Really?" My dating life now has odds. Strangers are betting on me. I don't know how I should feel about this.

"But she's not getting a ride in your SUV, is she?" Mary whispers as she disappears.

"Dammit, Ryan, you can't keep doing that!" Seth scolds.

"We were just talking!" I insist.

The door to the bathroom slams closed and Summer hurries back to the table and sits down. Her face is so red that she looks like she's about to explode.

"Summer," Seth starts.

"Shut up!" She says immediately. She slides in closer to Seth until she's almost in his lap.

"What the hell…." Seth smiles, pleased by the close proximity to his girlfriend but totally confused.

"Don't say anything. Everything's fine," she hisses. "But I am going to kill your mother…."

"Where's Donnie?" I ask.

"She's coming…out of the bathroom, I mean. Nothing happened, so she's not coming like that," Summer mutters.

What?

"What the hell are you talking about?" Seth asks, glancing at me.

Donnie sits down at the table and smiles, serene. Something's different about her. Oh. I glance at Summer and realize what's wrong. Donnie's bright lipstick is dulled by a frosted pink. Summer's frosted pink.

Summer's lipstick is on Donnie's lips and Summer….

I raise an eyebrow at Summer and she immediately knows that I know. She kicks me, hard, under the table. Damn, the little girl's got a kick.

"So, Donnie, how do you like working for the Newport Group?" I ask, not reacting to Summer's harsh kick.

"It's nice. I'm learning a lot, but I don't really meet a lot of people my own age…."

Mary returns with our meals and sets them down on the table.

"Mary, could you bring us the check?" Summer says suddenly.

"What? We haven't even eaten," Seth starts, but he winces and immediately loses his voice.

"I'm not really feeling that well, guys, I'm sorry," she lies. Her eyes shoot daggers at me, daring me to speak.

Oh, I'll get my chance. The first girl that I actually like hits on Summer in the bathroom.

"Of course," Mary says. "I'll bring you a box for your meal in case you get your appetite back."

"Summer, are you all right?" She glares at me again.

"I'll be okay…I just think I should lie down," she says sweetly, putting a hand on her stomach for effect.

"I'm so sorry about this, Donnie," I apologize.

She's unflappable. "Oh, no, it's fine. I had a really nice time. Maybe we can do it again sometime."

"Of course, of course," I reply. Summer groans dramatically. She's a horrible actress. "But I'm their ride and she's not looking too good."

"I'm sorry for ruining your date, Ryan," Summer says. The hand on her stomach is gracefully displaying her middle finger. "But I'm really getting sick."

Seth is glancing between us in panic, totally confused.

Mary returns with boxes and I hastily give her the cash Kirsten made me take for the date.

Within minutes, we're standing on the sidewalk watching Donnie's car drive away.

"So, Summer…."

"Shut up."

"Summer?"

"I swear to god, Chino…."

I can't stop from laughing at her stricken expression.

"What the hell just happened? Ryan was doing so well and she was really nice…."

"She wasn't into me," I manage. I haven't laughed his hard in years. Hell, I don't know if I've ever laughed this hard.

"And she was really hot," Seth continues.

Summer starts to pelt me with her tiny fists. "Shut up, Chino, that was, like, so fucking embarrassing!"

"It's not my fault she found you so irresistible," I laugh in spite of her bruising blows.

"Wait a minute. She wasn't into Ryan…she went into the bathroom with you…and then you got sick…." Seth, proving my theory that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, is slowing catching on.

"She fucking molested me!" Summer snaps.

"God…to be a fly on the wall of that bathroom," Seth gasps, his eyes bright with images.

"Cohen!" she shrieks. She's actually starting to look a little sick.

"Well, at least we know it's not just his pants," Seth teases, gesturing pointedly at Summer's skirt.

I wince sympathetically as she attacks him.

------------

Sandy and Kirsten are waiting for us in the kitchen when we come inside.

"You're home early! How was the date? Isn't Donnie great?" Kirsten beams at me. I can't stop the laugh that escapes my lips.

"Mom…have you ever actually talked to Donnie? Like about her 'type'?" Seth asks.

"She's single, Ryan's single, they're both smart…what happened?" Kirsten responds in that concerned, motherly tone.

"I'm going to wash out my mouth," Summer says suddenly, hurrying from the room.

"I don't think I'm exactly Donnie's type." I state slowly in hopes that they'll be able to pull something out of it.

"Well, who _is _her type?" Sandy asks, taking the bait a little bit.

"Summer." I say the word and watch both Sandy and Kirsten closely. Kirsten's eyes flash first. Seth must take after his dad.

"Summer?" she asks, her face twisting in confusion. "Oh…ohhhhhh!"

Sandy chuckles. I've never heard him 'chuckle' before but he's definitely chuckling as he drapes an arms around his wife's shoulder.

"They make such a cute couple, too," Seth says.

"Seth!" Kirsten tries to scold, but her smile is beyond her control.

"I meant Ryan and Donnie, not Summer. God, I'm not that perverted!"

I glance at Sandy and can tell that he's seen Donnie before by the blush on his cheeks. He looks away. Even a grown man like Sandy knows that Summer and Donnie action would be hot. Now I'm blushing. Bad, Chino. Bad….

"Hey, at least we didn't have to pull the girl off Ryan this time," Seth mutters. He doesn't see the Cohens' worried expressions as he leaves to check on his girlfriend.

"Ah, so you've been more popular than you let on, have you?" Sandy poses the question with a grin.

"It's all lies…. I'm going to bed." Thank God for my poolhouse.

------------

I stumble through the doors to the big house around two in the morning and feel my way through the darkened kitchen until I come into contact with the handle of the freezer. I pull it over and the light emitted is blinding. I squint while my eyes adjust and search for the ice cream. The Cohens always have ice cream. I feel the need for ice cream.

I grasp at a container of fudge swirl. When I close the door and lift my head. I jump backward at the figures in the doorway. Panic surges through my chest until I identify the shadowy forms as Sandy and Kirsten.

"Hey, kid," Sandy whispers, cinching his robe and walking taking a few steps forward.

"You had the same idea we had."

I place the ice cream container on the counter and watch as Kirsten and Sandy nod at each other. I have a feeling they have something to say to me. Worse, it would appear as though it's been planned - rehearsed. I ease myself onto one of the stools at the counter

"Am I in trouble?" I have to ask. I don't remember doing anything wrong lately. Sandy returns from the freezer with two containers of ice cream and passes one across the counter to Kirsten while accepting a spoon in exchange. They approach, one on each side.

I'm trapped. I can smell a lecture.

"No, Ryan. We just…we were talking about you," Kirsten says before doling a spoonful of mint chocolate chip into her mouth.

"Good things?" Wishful thinking. Good things don't come up in conversation over ice cream at two in the morning.

"I guess that's a matter of perspective."

"Sandy," Kirsten scolds.

I don't know what they're talking about. I just want my ice cream.

"We're pretty late on this talk considering…everything," Sandy mutters the last word under his breath.

"Totally confused," I say through a mouthful, wincing from the brain freeze.

"We need to know if you're being _safe_," Kirsten whispers.

I swallow. "I haven't gotten into any fights in like…weeks…."

"No, Ryan. Safe."

"Safe." I repeat. He nods thoughtfully. I don't understand. I look from Sandy to Kirsten.

"Are you having sex, Ryan?" Kirsten asks.

Oh. Damn. Safe. I'm slow. Seth's really having an effect on me. More importantly, I can't believe they want to have 'the talk'.

"Well…not at the moment," I manage.

"You're responsible and we trust you but there was the accident with Teresa," Sandy says quietly.

"I'm safe."

"So you _are_ having sex," Kirsten raises an eyebrow at me.

"Teresa and I…it was an accident, she's been on the pill…since, like, eighth grade…." I can tell by their expressions that I've gone too far. Damn.

"So you'd been with Teresa before," Sandy states.

"In the past…yes…but I've learned from my mistake."

"Honey, we want to treat you like an adult," Kirsten begins.

Here it comes.

"But casual sex isn't…," she stammers.

"It isn't something we approve of," Sandy finishes.

"I'm sorry…." This is humiliating. I want to take my ice cream and run. Far, far away.

"You're not in trouble, Ryan. You're an attractive young man and you're going to have offers but sex…sex is supposed to be special," Sandy starts. Okay, now I want to sprint. Far, far, _far_ away.

"It's a symbol of commitment and love," Kirsten adds. Australia sounds nice. Europe? I'm sure I could grab a last minute flight.

Trey's sex talk hadn't been like this at all. He'd given me a box of condoms and showed me VD pamphlets. Wished me luck.

"Ryan, have you had a lot of…partners?" Kirsten startles me from my thoughts. When I process her question, I'm still startled. I don't think I'll ever stop blushing.

"I've been tested." I'm sure that's what she's asking.

"Good…good…but…about the partners, Ryan?" I'm thinking that hanging out on Mars would be more comfortable than this conversation.

"I've…had a few."

"Four? Five?" Sandy probes.

So that's a few. Interesting…. "I've had a lot."

"We think you should slow down," Sandy says quietly.

"We want you to be happy, and healthy…and if you're having a lot of sex," Kirsten starts.

I cover my face. Holy shit, shoot me now.

"Okay. I get it," I mumble into my hands. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. "I'll slow down. Just…can we pretend that this conversation never happened?"

"Please." Sandy nods.

---

I don't say much to Seth and Summer on the ride to school and they don't question me.

Seth says something about my brooding. I don't argue. Maybe I am.

Kimmie and I have the same free period and when she puts her hand on my shoulder while I'm putting my books away, I immediately think of Sandy and Kirsten's words.

"I'm driving the van today. Want to take a walk?"

A walk. I've taken walks with her before and we always end up making out. And stuff. I shouldn't walk so much. My mind flashes to those VD pamphlets….

"I can't."

"What's up?"

"We shouldn't be doing this."

"It doesn't mean anything," she purrs. "You're too deep."

She's so hot. She's so blonde and…hot.

"Come on," she whispers, grabbing the edges of my collar with her fingers, "I won't tell."

"Yes, you will." I have to stay strong.

"You're so sweet." She smiles. "Please? We'll be back in time for history."

"Kimmie --"

"Shush. It's okay. It's all in fun."

And I'm a loser. Because I follow her. Sandy and Kirsten's words are drowned out by Kimmie's perfume. I follow her. She's so hot. And no one has to know.

An hour later, we both sneak back into the building and find our way to history. We slip in the back door to class and I take my seat beside Seth.

"Where the hell have you been?" he whispers.

"Sorry, am I busted?"

"I covered for you with Mr. Evans but you have lipstick on your shirt…and your jeans," Seth hisses, motioning to my pants.

Kimmie's bubble gum pink lip prints are on my jeans. I try to cover them with my hands.

This is not good, not good at all….

"Summer's going to kill you."

"Don't rat me out, Seth."

"Dude --"

"Don't Seth. I let you slide on your parents…."

The teacher claps his hands. "Use the rest of the class time to discuss your assignments in pairs or groups of three."

"My parents?" Seth asks immediately as the classroom's noise level rises. "What are you talking about?"

"You told them I was having sex."

"Ugh, no, I totally didn't. Why…did they have 'the talk' with you?" Seth laughs.

Seth appears to enjoy that thought for a moment before snapping back to the matter at hand.

"It was so fucking traumatic."

"So where the hell were you?"

"I was just…out."

"You have Kimmie's backpack," Seth says to me. I follow his gaze over my shoulder. Kimmie is holding out my bag.

"Sorry. Not too smooth." Kimmie smiles. We exchange backpacks. Someone hoots from the back. She gives Seth an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Seth."

Seth shakes his head at me.

"I'm sorry, man…she just…no one had to know." I finished with a shake of my head, defeated.

"Save it for Summer. I'm too awestruck to comment."

----

I somehow make it through two period of class without running into Summer. I understand that lunch will be more of a challenge. I place a bottle of juice on my tray and start toward my table when I bump into someone. Holly.

"Excuse me," I mumble, trying to find a way around her tiny but imposing form.

"It's okay. How are you, Ryan?"

"Fine." Holly's never spoken to me before. I didn't even know she knew my name.

"You look good. I mean, better without Marissa on your arm. Can we hang out sometime?"

I'm stunned. Speechless. What the hell is going on around here? Does Holly have some sort of personal goal to sleep with everyone Marissa Cooper's been involved with? I don't respond. I wouldn't know how to.

"Without your posse, Ryan. I think we'd have fun." She reaches out to stroke my arm with a manicured nail but doesn't get that far….

"You are in so much trouble!" Summer snaps, grabbing my arm. She turns to Holly.

"Keep your skanky paws off him, whore!"

"Summer," I start as she pulls me to her table.

"You're like a slut magnet, Chino," she sighs, releasing me and pointing to one of the seats, forcing me to sit.

"She stopped me," I start as I obediently lower myself into the chair.

"Uh huh. I'm sure. Seth says you fucked Kimmie again."

I open my water and take a deep swallow. Seth will now die.

"Chino, you're never going to find a real relationship if you keep settling for tramps!"

"It's just sex," I protest weakly. She's getting too heavy on me. For a little person, she really lays down the law.

"It's not supposed to be. I mean…I just don't understand you, Chino. When you were with Marissa, you didn't pressure her, you never even slept with her until…."

Summer knows way too much about my sex life. She's like my conscience, following me around everywhere and making me feel bad when I make 'the wrong' decision. A little, violent conscience….

"But now, you're like a big sex monkey."

My conscience wouldn't say that. I don't know why, It's obviously a lost cause, but I feel like I have to defend myself.

"Kimmie, she's fun…well, she's limber…."

"Ew, Chino. Just, ew."

"I get it, Summer. I'm sorry." I still don't understand why who I choose to have sex with affects everyone around me.

"Cohen's worried about you. So am I. You deserve more than a fuck in the back seat. We just don't want you to settle."

Seth joins us, settling into the seat next to me. "So, dude. I have to ask. Do they do it different in Chino?"

"Seth." I shake my head in disbelief. I don't think I've ever talked this much about sex since… well…I've _never_ talked this much about sex.

"Because, apparently, Kimmie was very impressed."

"What? She promised me she wouldn't say anything…."

"Girls talk," Summer shrugs.

"She has a hickey on her thigh, man," Seth whispers.

I'm not going to tell them where I have hickeys. Summer laughs.

"So, Ryan, the question remains," Seth probes.

"It's all in the pants, Seth." He seems happy with that answer. It's not a lie.

---


	4. Chapter four

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A/N- Oh how we've been waiting for this chapter. Once you've read it, it'll be more than clear who this one is for.

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Disclaimer: Don't touch those pants, Mr. Schwartz, and we won't harm your man too much. Is that really a disclaimer? Meh.

The Chinos - Chapter Four

"We're trying something different this time around," Summer says slyly as she reapplies her lipstick with one hand, gripping the steering wheel with the other.

"Different? How?" I agree that I probably shouldn't date any more lesbians, but the way she said it makes me nervous. How _different_ is this new girl going to be?

I stare at Seth expectantly, hoping he can give me an explanation.

He shrugs from his spot in the front seat. "Don't ask me, dude. I don't know this girl."

I lean forward to the edge of the back seat. "How _do_ you know this girl, Summer?"

"We go to the same gym," Summer replies casually, keeping her eyes fixed on the road.

Something's up. She's not giving me anything. There's got to be a reason.

"Does she have a name?"

"God, Chino!" Summer slams her hands off the steering wheel. "We'll be there in, like, two minutes and then you can give _her_ the third degree!"

I hold up my hands defensively and slide back into my seat. I know better than to mess with Summer when she's in one of her 'moods'. I thought she'd be happy, though, seeing as how she's about to dig into one of her favorite burgers.

As we all emerge from the Range Rover, Summer's eyes are looking me up and down.

"What?"

"Maybe we should have gone with different pants," she mumbles, deep in thought.

Confused, I look at Seth, but he's no help. He, too, is staring at my pants.

"Seth!"

"Wha? What?" he stutters.

I shake my head disapprovingly and he smiles apologetically. We're going to have to find something else to entertain Seth. This fascination he has with my pants is getting a little creepy.

"Let's go," Summer urges, linking her arm through Seth's. "Oh, and Chino?" She turns to face me.

I raise my eyebrows. "Hm?"

"If you know what's good for you, behave tonight."

I nod. She almost seems nervous. I wish I knew what the hell was going on. I fight the urge to turn and bolt. Summer has the keys and if I was on foot, she would have no problem tracking me down….

The same hostess greets us with a smile. "I think your date just went to the washroom.

She should be back any second," she says sweetly.

"Thanks," I reply. I think we're going to have to find a new place to eat. These people know too much.

"Regular booth?" I recognize Mary's voice. Her hair's different tonight but she still looks great.

A sharp jab to my ribs pulls me from my trance. "Focus, Chino," Summer whispers harshly.

It hurts too much to argue.

We slide into our seats and I notice that there's already a half-empty bottle of beer on the table. This is…strange.

"Um, I don't think this is ours," I slide the beer to the edge of the table and smile at Mary.

"Actually, that's your date's," she grins mischievously before scurrying toward the back. I think I can hear her laughing.

What's going on? I look over to the kitchen and I can see several sets of eyes peaking through a window slot.

I hear my date before I see her. It sounds like an old western movie, the rattling of spurs and the click of heels approaching from behind.

Across from me, Seth's eyes widen. Summer leans back, crossing her arms over her chest, looking pleased.

The clicking stops and I reluctantly turn my head to the right and blink a couple of times.

I don't believe my eyes. She's tall in her four inch stiletto, knee high boots, and hot…very hot, but I can't seem to focus on that. Her long, curly black hair covers her shoulders, but her tight black dress barely covers a third of her thighs.

She licks her lips and I swear I can see the hint of a tongue ring.

"Romie," she says in a sexy but confident voice, extending her hand and batting her thick, black eyelashes seductively.

"Uh… Ryan," I respond. Damn. Just…damn.

She slides in next to me, grabbing her beer and taking a generous swig, somehow, managing not to smudge her dark purple lipstick. She can't be 21. Summer wouldn't set me up with someone that much older…would she? Maybe they just served her because they didn't want to question her. I know I wouldn't….

"So, Romie," Summer leans forward, "how are you?"

"Good. Who's your little boy toy?"

Seth's still sitting there, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"This is Seth," Summer introduces him while delivering a sharp jab to his ribs with her elbow.

"Uh… right. Hi," Seth says with a shy smile, avoiding eye contact and blushing a little.

I can't prevent the yelp that escapes my lips when I feel a sharp pinch on the inside of my thigh. Seth and Summer both look at me with questioning eyes. I can see Romie smiling as she removes her hand and picks up her menu.

"What's good here?" She directs the question to no one in particular.

"The burgers," the three of us reply in unison.

Romie takes it all in stride. "Hmmm…I like ground beef…that'll do."

She puts the menu down again on the table and I can't help but follow her hand with my eyes to try and protect myself from her long dark claws. Her nails are too dangerous looking for me. They look sharp. I really hope they're not real.

"So, Romie…you met Summer at the gym?" Seth's barely controlling himself. He looks like he's about to faint. Summer is smiling innocently at me. Innocent my ass.

"Yeah, she said that she had a friend that needed to get out more," Romie replies, winking at me. "But you don't look like you need to get out…you look more like the 'stay-in' type." Her hand slips off the table and lands on my thigh.

Damn. I glance up for help but Summer and Seth are oblivious. Seth is still staring at Romie and Summer is too busy glaring at me to see Romie's hand. Yeah, she's 'roaming' all right.

"Actually, that's what we're trying to discourage," Summer smiles. I'm amazed that she can glare at me while smiling. But I'm too frightened to try and move Romie's hand. What if she bites? I glance down at her hand as it slides further up my leg, closer to Summer's defined 'naughty areas'.

"Oh, I see," Romie purrs immediately. "You've been a bad boy." Her tongue piercing clicks against her teeth.

I'm frightened. I don't want to know what she does to _bad boys _and considering the place that her hand has settled, I can't respond. I don't even look at Summer or Seth. I can't face their gazes. I am going to get into so much trouble…and this time, it's totally not my fault.

Mary returns to take our order. She smiles at me and before I can return it or react at all, I feel Romie's hand tighten. I can't breathe…but it's oddly painless…it's…oh God, I can't possible be getting off on this girl's groping but…I'm going to burn in hell….

"I'd like the monster burger cooked rare with a side of hot wings. As hot as you can make them." Romie grins. She smiles at me. "I like to sink my teeth into what I eat…get my hands dirty…." Her hands are in a dirty place already. I lose my focus.

When I can focus again, I notice that even Mary is staring at Romie. Mary turns her attention to Seth who simply shakes his head at her, speechless.

"Uh, yeah, um, I'll take the double cheeseburger meal and 'dufus' here will have the same," Summer says, barely able to maintain her politeness.

"And you?" Mary turns her attention to me. She raises a single eyebrow.

I know if I talk that my voice is going to be higher than it should be. I don't know if I can form words.

"Ryan?" Summer urges. "Your order?"

I can't talk. I can't even explain why I can't talk. Summer kicks my shin suddenly and I react immediately and slam my knee into the underside of the table. This causes Romie's hand to squeeze entirely too hard and I have to turn away from their surprised looks in pain to try and protect myself. "Fuck…"

"I don't know if that's on the menu," Romie says, unaffected. She places both her hands on the table and begins to tap her nails.

I'm vaguely aware of boisterous laughter from the kitchen as I try to recover.

"Um, I'll take the pasta primavera," I say quietly. I think each one of my words is in a different key.

"All right. I'll go put these orders in right now," Mary says with a wink.

Romie sees the wink and turns to me once she's gone. "That waitress is flirting with you."

"No, she's not," Summer says immediately. Seth has barely said a word so far. He's speechless. What I always wanted. But it's more unsettling than I'd expected.

"You like her? I can see about bringing her in," Romie whispers in my ear. Her hand slowly makes it way off the table and back to the seat. I'm too busy watching her hand to process her suggestion.

My God, did Summer 'hire' this girl to teach me a lesson? Help. I need help.

She pinches my ass as her fingertips find their way down the back of my pants. Her hand settles there like a snake that's found a warm spot.

"Stop staring," Summer hisses at Seth, shoving him.

"So, Romie," Seth starts childishly, "do you go to school around here?"

She takes another sip of beer and answers matter-of-factly, "No."

"Okay." Seth smiles and nods. He seems amused. I can't say I see what was so funny about that, but it's Seth….

We both jump simultaneously. I don't know what Summer did to him, but I can almost guarantee it's not the same as what Romie did to me.

"So, Ryan," Romie turns to face me just as I begin to regain my senses. "What do you do for fun?"

I hear a soft gasp from across the table, but I'm afraid to look away from my date. I think she would hurt me if I was to insult her in the slightest, but that's not what really sparks my interest, it's the way that her eyes are daring me to do or say something _bad, _so that she can… _punish_ me.

I have a feeling that no matter where this date goes, Romie's going to hurt me. It's inevitable. She's _sharp_ all over.

"I… I play soccer." I'm obviously at a loss considering my lack of recent involvement in the sport, but seriously? What else _do _I do?

"Do you wear those shorts?" she asks, her hand starting to stray from its resting spot.

Good God, it's alive.

"Yeah?" I sound like I'm five. What? I don't actually know if I wear the shorts? Shit. Is this how Seth feels almost every time a girl speaks directly to him? Of course I wear 'the shorts', I just don't know if I want Romie to know that.

She nods thoughtfully. Her eyes narrow, her hand grasps and she growls, "I bet you look like a little hobbit."

I am just able to close my eyes against the spray of liquid from across the table.

Seth has mopped up the majority of the mess off the table by the time I wipe off my face and open my eyes. Still, Romie's comment sticks with me. A hobbit? Seriously? That's…strange. What's even stranger is that she's obviously visualized me looking like a 'hobbit' and she still has her hands…where they are.

The next time Summer sets me up with a violent, sex-crazed dominatrix, I'm picking a place with glass tables so that this stuff doesn't happen. Then again, I don't think that the mere presence of glass tabletops is going to deter a girl like Romie.

Suddenly, a plate is placed in front of me and I look up to see Mary smiling curiously. Seth and Summer have already started digging into the infamous burgers while Romie's staring at her plate with the same look she gave me when we first met. I sigh in relief when she removes her hands from my 'area'… for the time being, at least.

I try to focus on filling my fork with a substantial amount of pasta, putting it in my mouth, chewing and ultimately swallowing, but I'm too distracted by the dramatics taking place next to me.

Romie appears to have turned into a wild dog of sorts. She's literally ripping the meat off the chicken bones, chewing forcefully and swallowing audibly. After each wing is dismembered, she drops it onto her plate and smiles, satisfied. I can't not stare, I can't even _pretend _not to stare.

An annoying rattling catches my attention. I turn to Seth and Summer, both of whom have slowed down considerably, resorting to picking at the bun and meat of their cherished burgers as they watch Romie go through her meal. It's at that point that I realize the noise is coming from me. Rattling off my plate is the fork that's held loosely in my shaking hand. I grip tightly to stop the noise, but Romie doesn't appear to have noticed. Nope, she's already elbow-deep in her burger. Her hands are clenched around the beef and bread so tightly that drops of juice are rhythmically pooling into a puddle on her plate.

She's got a very big mouth….

I can't help but notice that no one's spoken in quite some time, and oddly enough, I feel the need to break the silence.

"Is it good?"

Seth gasps from across the table, then grunts when Summer slaps him upside the back of the head.

Romie takes a second to lick every single one of her fingers. She still looks extremely hot, even though she's just devoured two farm animals like a rabid wolf in less than five minutes.

"Almost satisfying," she replies in a deep, raspy voice.

"What more could you possibly eat?" Seth barely gets out the shocked question before Summer delivers another slap, this time with considerably more force.

"I have at least one thing in mind," Romie answers, her eyes set on me, her hands traveling again.

Summer jumps to her feet, her eyes darting from one end of the restaurant to the other and yells, "Check please!"

Another burst of laughter can be heard from the kitchen, and before I can count to three, Mary's tossing our bill on the table.

"How was everything?" she asks politely, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I loved the appetizers, I'm ready for the main course," Romie replies straight-faced.

Apparently, Mary doesn't know how to respond to that because she nods subtly, tilts her head and slowly turns to walk away.

Seth tosses a few bills on the table and shakes his head at me before I can reach into my back pocket for my wallet. Summer must have said something to him about getting the hell out of here as quickly as possible because he's already scooting his way out of the booth.

It's at that moment, just before I stand up, that I realize my pants are undone. How the hell did she do that? Shit, she's… good. She pinches my ass one more time as I'm fumbling with my belt before she slides elegantly out of our side of the booth. I know it's wrong, but despite all of the bruises and marks I'm going to be scarred with after this date, I'm still wildly attracted to her. What is wrong with me?

"So, my little hobbit, what do you say we get this evening started?" she asks, licking a drop of barbecue sauce off her lips with her unusually long, pierced tongue.

I've been told that I don't have a way with words, but I can't find _any_ to answer her with.

"No! No, no, no!" Summer barges between Romie and myself, standing on the tips of her toes so that she doesn't have to look up while addressing my date.

"I told you to fuck _with_ him, not to fuck him!"

I can hear Seth laughing from behind me. To the surprise of no one, I don't know what to say.

"But I like him!" Romie says mischievously glancing over the top of Summer's head and nodding at me with a wink. I feel my cheeks get hot and I have to look at the ground. I don't want to agree with either one of them because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared to death of both of them.

"Cohen, Chino, in the car!" Summer yells at us, turning around briefly to toss the keys to Seth. Seth catches them clumsily with two hands.

"But --"

"Now!" she yells louder, stomping her foot.

I'm not going to argue with that. Seth grabs my arm and pulls me toward the front door of the restaurant. I reluctantly follow, and I can't help but notice that every single person in the restaurant has stopped what they're doing to watch our little scene. Suddenly, I can't get out of here soon enough. I stop fighting Seth and instead, I eagerly push him through the open door.

"Do you think they're going to --" I gesture toward the restaurant but Seth cuts me off.

"Don't say it man," Seth warns, shaking his head sadly as we stroll through the parking lot.

"What?"

"The words," he moans, then stops to face me. I nearly run into him and am forced to back away to regain some personal space.

"Two _extremely _hot girls are…are… there was a potential freakin' catfight and my girlfriend kicked us out!" he finishes in a hurry. I think I can see tears in his eyes. That, alone, is sad enough.

"We can go back in if you want. Or, you know, peak through a window," I tease. He actually looks like he's considering my suggestions before he responds.

"No, Ryan. No. And you know why?"

I raise an eyebrow. As if I really care.

"Because I really like sex, Ryan. I like it a lot. And Summer…Summer's the only girl that can give it to me. So, as much as it breaks my heart, and trust me, it _breaks_ my heart to miss this little catfight, I must obey the girlfriend."

Ugh. I didn't need to know that. I don't say a word in response but my face must speak volumes because he nods.

"Yeah, I know. You didn't need to know…."

I give him a quick nod and we continue on our way to the car.

"I'm sure Summer could take her," he says casually.

"I don't know, man. I'm pretty sure Romie had a retractable whip on her key chain…."

Seth's loud, shuddering groan is the only sound to be heard in the entire parking lot. He's such a strange, strange boy.

----------

Summer isn't speaking to me when we park the Rover in the driveway. She'd rushed out of the restaurant in a huff and muttered under her breath some words that I'm not even comfortable with.

"Summer. What exactly did I do wrong this time?" I ask, ignoring Seth's warning glare. We're standing in the driveway.

"You…God, Chino! How'd you seduce this one? I mean, we were with you the whole time!" Summer says, frustrated.

"You're just pissed off your little practical joke backfired on you," Seth mutters. I wince as I see her hand draw back. He surprises us both by grabbing her wrist and stopping her.

"And don't, for one second, think that Romie was the only dominatrix in the restaurant tonight…."

Summer pauses.

"And you deprived us of the wondrous catfight because you didn't want Ryan to like her," Seth snaps.

"I didn't want her to hurt him," she pouts, pulling her hand away. "I was just looking out for him."

"Thanks, Summer," I snort. This night is definitely another bust. And my ass hurts.

"You mad, Chino?" Summer calls.

"Not mad!" I say over my shoulder. In all honesty, I'm a little 'unfulfilled'. Romie had me pretty wound up in the restaurant and the lack of release is making me grouchy. I need a cold shower. A long cold shower.

I nod to the Cohens as I walk through the house toward the poolhouse. I don't want another uncomfortable sex talk with them and I don't think there's anything I can say about Romie that will soothe their minds. I'll let Seth and Summer explain why we're home so early.

I strip off my clothes and get into the shower. When I get out, I twist around and see the small bruises on my ass…and other places. I won't forget Romie for a while.

I step out wrapped in my towel and jump when I recognize Sandy sitting on my bed.

"Hey, kid." Sandy blushes red when he sees me. I quickly grab my clothes, retreat into the bathroom and get dressed before stepping out again.

"Hey, Sandy. What's up?" I can tell that its serious because of the look on his face.

"I take it the date didn't go as well as planned?" He has a bag beside him on the bed.

"It went as well as all the others," I reply honestly.

"So…dating…it's not really working out for you," Sandy says. His face is red. I don't know what's got him so flustered. I sit down anxiously beside him.

"I'm giving it a try. I mean, with Marissa in boarding school, it wasn't really feasible for us to try and…to try and salvage anything."

"And Teresa?"

"She's okay. She's moving on."

He nods. He moves the bag closer to my side. I glance down at it. What the hell is he building up to? "Sandy, what --"

"I wasn't sure what to get, so I got…a little of everything…it's been a while since I've had to buy them and there's definitely more selection now that…."

Shit. The bag is full of condoms. I'm dying. I can't believe this. He bought me condoms.

"You didn't have to do this." I don't know what to say. I feel my face reddening and we're both so embarrassed that we can't look at each other. What did I do to deserve this hell?

Kimmie…

"We just want you to be safe."

"I told you, I am safe."

"Always?"

"I don't need you to buy me condoms, Sandy. I get it." I know what he's trying to do, but I can take care of myself…and my sex life. "I messed up with Teresa…but…."

"We trust you, Ryan."

"Please don't tell me Kirsten is in on this…."

Sandy pulls a box of ridged lubricated Trojans out of the bag and regards them. "These were her idea. They're ridged for your partner's pleasure…."

"Stop…." I'm dying here. Please, make it stop.

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "We didn't need to do this for Seth, he's never been…that popular with the ladies."

"Sandy, I can buy my own condoms. It's like…it's like when you reach a certain age, you have to stop letting your parents buy your clothes."

"Did I get the wrong kind? The wrong size?" Sandy looks hurt.

"Please…." I've never been this embarrassed. This should be against the law.

"Just promise me that you'll use these."

I raise an eyebrow. He wants me to use them all?

"I mean --"

"Protect myself, I get it."

"Thank God. Now I'm going to bed," Sandy stands up and walks out, slamming the door behind him in his rush to escape.

I lie back on the bed and bask in my humiliation.

--------------

"Chino!"

I don't know why Seth would want to wake up to that voice for the rest of his life. I open my eyes.

"Chino, what the hell is this?" She hurls a box of Magnum XXX condoms at my head and it hurts as it bounces off my cheek.

"Damn, man, are you stocking up?" Seth laughs. "Ooh, flavored…."

I'm too sleepy for this. They must be jacked up on caffeine.

"Why the hell are you buying condoms? Are you even trying to find a girl or are you just trying to get laid?"

"Sandy…they're Sandy's," I mutter.

"What?" Seth and Summer say in unison.

"Your father thinks I'm a whore."

Summer starts to laugh, sprawling out on my bed. I wish I could kick her. But she's dangerous.

"Damn, Mr. Cohen thinks you're a little player.…"

"He's never bought me condoms," Seth pouts. He sits down on the bed and examines the many boxes. "Are you allergic to latex?"

"Hell, no. But he got a wide selection," I reply. I realize that they're not going to let me sleep.

"Are those the new warming kind?" Summer grabs a box from his hand.

"Why are you guys in my bed?"

"We wanted to make sure you weren't mad at us…at Summer, I mean," Seth replies, staring at a box.

"I'm not mad. I'm a little bruised…."

"Bruised?" Summer asks. "What are you talking about?"

"Romie bruised you? Where?" Seth echoes.

I glare at him.

"Oh. No way. When?"

"At the restaurant…she had fingers that she let do the walking."

Summer seems genuinely upset. "I'm so sorry, Ryan."

"No, it's not a big deal, she just pinched me."

"Let me see," Seth says.

"What?" He has to be joking.

"Let me see. I don't believe you. We were with you the whole time. Let me see."

"You're so not allowed," Summer says, staring at him. "I'll look."

"You're not allowed either," Seth says immediately.

"No one's looking." I can't believe they're fighting over who gets to look at my ass.

"Shut up. We'll both look," Summer snaps.

"No, stop…guys, I'm serious…." I don't know how I got into the situation but before I can get up, Summer and Seth have flipped me over onto my stomach and one of them is tugging at my sweatpants.

"Oh my God…." Kirsten's voice is serious.

I realize that this must look a little strange to her. I'm facedown on a bed covered in condoms and Summer and Seth are trying to pull my pants down.

"I'll come back later." I hear the door close.

"Mom!" Seth yells.

"He really is bruised," Summer remarks.


	5. Chapter five

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A/N- It's been said that you have to be quite secure to engage in self-mockery. We're testing that theory. We're all about the self-mock…all about it, I say.

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Disclaimer: They're not ours. The people, that is. The pants are ALL ours.

The Chinos - Chapter Five

Summer and Seth are arguing behind me as I walk down the hall toward my history class.

It's the end of the day and they've been snapping at each other the whole time. Finally, I've had enough. I stop in my tracks and they bump into me.

"What the hell, Chino?" Summer snaps.

"It doesn't matter who can hold their breath longer underwater. If you go scuba diving, they give you an oxygen tank. Now will you please stop bickering?"

"Ouch. Chino's pissy," Summer teases.

"Must be sexually frustrated. You should try chewing ice, buddy," Seth grins, patting my back as they continue down the hall without me.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bothered coming back here. They're the most frustrating couple I've ever known.

"Hey, hot stuff."

Not this. Not now. I have no willpower left to handle Kimmie today. I feel her hand on my back. I can feel the heat of her skin through my shirt.

"Kimmie."

She walks around to face me with a twinkle in her eye.

"Feel up to a little alone time?"

"I can't, Kimmie."

"Oh, but I know that you can…please?" Her lips are so sexy when she pouts.

Who am I kidding? This totally hot girl is offering herself to me. I owe it to myself, and all of mankind, to take advantage.

"Ryan?"

But Sandy and Kirsten want me to be safe. Well, I'll be safe.

"Don't get all dark on me. C'mon, I know just the place." She grins, somehow knowing that I've silently agreed. She pulls me down the hall by the wrist as the late bell rings. I glance behind me to see if anyone's watching as she drags me into a storage closet.

"Private, right?"

"How many guys have you brought into this closet?" I tease as my hands find her tight ass.

"You're my only pleasure, Ryan. You know I have that boyfriend, right?"

"What boyfriend?"

"Shut up," she giggles as she starts to kiss my neck. "You're just so cute…."

"I'm not cute." I gasp. Her fingers are at my belt.

"Sexy…delicious…."

"Tasty?"

"Un huh," she murmurs as she unbuttons my shirt with her teeth.

The closet is dark but we don't need to see each other. I guess that's why the light from the hallway startles us so much.

"What the hell is going on in here?"

Dr. Kim sounds angry.

"Fuck…."

I have to get dressed. Kimmie and I manage to get our limbs disentangled and she pushes my shirt into my hands as I pick up her bra from the floor.

"Both of you. My office now. I'm calling your parents."

Dr. Kim doesn't just sound angry. She is angry. Fuck. She slams the door on us.

"My parents are going to kill me for doing this again…."

"Again?" What is she talking about?

"Why do you think I got kicked out of my old school?" She shakes her head at me. "Come on, stud."

"We could say we were studying," I say as we walk out of the closet, mostly dressed.

"What subject? Anatomy? I thought you were supposed to be smart…. Are your parents going to flip out?"

"The Cohens…I don't think they're going to appreciate this much."

"You don't live with your parents?"

Now she wants to get to know me? Jesus, Kimmie, not the greatest time for this chat.

"It's a long story. After you." I hold the door open for her as we reach Dr. Kim's office.

She smiles. "Such a gentleman."

----------------

Sandy's the first to arrive at the scene. I'm sitting in the office, my fingers tightly intertwined in my lap.

"Ryan? Were you fighting?" he blurts out the second he catches sight of me. He's obviously flustered.

I definitely wasn't fighting this time.

"Don't say anything," the receptionist growls at me. I shake my head at Sandy. "Dr. Kim is waiting inside."

Sandy glares at me in confusion as he steps into the office.

"You're in trouble," Kimmie whispers from two seats down.

"No talking!" The receptionist is scaring me more than Dr. Kim ever did.

I glance up a few seconds later as Kirsten walks through the door. She's not angry; she's worried.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I start. I hate seeing her upset.

"Mrs. Cohen, Dr. Kim is waiting." The receptionist glares at me again. I wonder if she's related to Summer.

I wait impatiently. I don't hear raised voices, but rather silence. I'd prefer to hear yelling.

"Kimmie! What the hell did you do now?"

I wince involuntarily as a large man and heavily made-up woman walk in. Kimmie doesn't seem at all upset by their presence and harsh words.

"Him," she states bluntly, pointing at me.

"At least he's better looking than the last one," the woman remarks, looking me up and down skeptically. Despite the make-up, the woman is attractive. I see where Kimmie gets it from.

"Mom." Kimmie rolls her eyes, obviously embarrassed by her mother's words.

"Ryan. Car. Now." Sandy walks out of the office with Kirsten on his heels. Both their faces are red.

"Bye, Ryan," Kimmie laughs as I obediently follow them out of the office and into the hallway.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Kirsten asks, holding me by one arm.

"Well, we know what you were thinking…," Sandy says, grabbing the other arm.

"But a closet? Don't you know how unsanitary that is?"

I hope she never finds out about the Range Rover. Or Kimmie's van. Or anywhere else.

"I can't believe this…I just can't believe it," Sandy mutters.

As we reach the parking lot, I hear Summer's voice echoing across campus. "Bad, Chino. Bad!" I don't even want to know how she found out so fast.

----------------

"Sit down. Don't move. Don't breathe until we get back," Sandy snaps as we walk into the house. He's really mad. I haven't seen him this mad since Seth switched his surfing wax with Vaseline. Kirsten even glares at me as she follows Sandy into the den.

I don't know why they made me sit here; I can hear everything they're saying.

"What are we going to do?"

"He was having sex in a broom closet, Sandy. That's not normal!"

"Actually, remember when you and I --"

"That was not a broom closet, it was a storage room and we were in college; that's totally different!"

"How do we punish him? I mean, he has to be punished, maybe we should tell him that he can't see that girl anymore…."

"Who was that girl, anyway? I thought that he hadn't hit it off with any of the girls."

"Well, I guess he's just got an overactive sex drive."

"He's seventeen years old, they've all got overactive sex drives."

Sandy sighs. "So what are we going to do?"

"Would you guys like for me to wait in the poolhouse while you discuss this?" I call out from my spot on the couch. I've already heard too much.

"No," they both reply sternly, without even looking in my direction.

This is going to be a long day. I glance down and realize that my shirt is on inside out.

Damn. I'm not allowed to get up so I pull it off and start to turn it the correct way. I hear Seth's laughter immediately after the front door closes.

"Man," Seth says between chuckles as I pull my shirt on again. "I've never_, ever _seen Dr. Kim so flustered."

"What?"

"Dude, everyone could totally hear you guys in there."

"What?" He can't be serious. We weren't that loud, we couldn't have been….

"I'm serious. My class is right next door and we couldn't even hear the teacher talking because Kimmie was…."

I cover my face. No wonder Dr. Kim was angry. We were disrupting class.

"Seth. We need to talk to Ryan," Sandy says as he enters the room.

"Come on, guys, you can't punish him. I mean, he wasn't doing anything wrong."

"Seth," Kirsten says his name in a warning tone. I wouldn't mess with that if I were him.

"You should have heard Kimmie --"

"Her name is Kimmie? Oh, that's just great," Sandy mutters.

"You heard her?" Kirsten asks curiously, her voice softer than before.

"Yes, and whatever Ryan was doing just couldn't have been wrong according to the noises she was making," Seth says quickly.

"Seth. Please." I need him to die a harsh, instant death.

"Seth…."

"C'mon, guys, you have to admit that this is definitely one of the most humorous situations our poolboy has ever found himself in. Seduced by a beautiful blonde and lured into a broom closet," Seth starts with a dreamy expression on his face.

"Isn't this punishment enough?" I mutter. Kirsten can't hide her smile before she forces herself to glare at me.

"How do you know this girl, Ryan? Was this your idea?" Sandy asks, getting back down

to business.

"Her name is Kimberly --"

"Kimmie," Seth corrects. I glare at him.

"Where did you meet Kimmie?" Kirsten asks.

Before I can answer, Seth speaks up, as always. "Kimmie was ill-fated date number one."

If he starts to tell his parents about the Rover, I'm going to knock him off his stool.

"If you guys didn't get along…."

"Oh, they got along," Seth grins. I glare harder and he seems to get the point. About time.

"But just in a physical way."

"I hate you. Did you know that?" I hope he can see the truth in my eyes. But he laughs. Not the reaction I was going for.

"Seth, go upstairs," Sandy sighs, frustrated. "You're enjoying this entirely too much."

"Somebody should be enjoying it," I mutter.

"Aw, come on, you didn't enjoy your little tryst with the whore?" Summer's voice startles us all. She ignores Sandy and Kirsten and slaps the back of my head before I can defend myself.

"Ow…."

"You deserve it, Chino. Now we've talked about this, what the hell happened?" Summer demands. Kirsten and Sandy don't interfere; they seem pleased. This is just wrong. I should have stayed in bed. "We left you alone for two minutes and you just accidentally fall into Kimmie?"

"I have the right to remain silent."

"She's a slut!" Summer says.

"I have the right to an attorney…."

"You're on your own this time," Sandy mutters amusedly, taking a step back.

She slaps me again. "You have to keep it in your pants, Chino!"

"I think his pants may be the problem. Maybe, we can solve all of this by making him wear shorts all the time," Seth suggests.

"No," Kirsten and Summer say in unison.

"Why not?" Seth asks.

"He has nice legs," Summer answers matter-of-factly.

"Oh, so you're checking out his legs, too?"

"Let's get back to the issue at hand…Ryan. What the hell were you thinking?" Sandy asks quietly, his disappointment apparent.

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I'm sorry." I really, _really_ am.

"Well, you're grounded," Sandy sighs.

"Come on, Dad, you can't ground him, he has dates to keep!" Seth protests. I think I'd rather be grounded.

"We watch him really close, Mr. Cohen. We never let him get out of hand," Summer says.

"That's why you need a chaperone…now I understand…." Realization that I never wanted Kirsten to have dawns on her face. I shake my head. This just gets worse.

"Didn't you guys set him up with this girl in the first place?"

"Yeah, but Kirsten set him up with a lesbian so you can't fault us for any of that."

"Oh, Kirsten…." Sandy smiles.

"I didn't know she was a lesbian." She flushes.

"And we didn't know Kimmie was a whore!" Summer says. She blushes when she sees Seth shaking his head at her.

"I'll take the grounding."

"Oh no, I think the kids are right. You need to get back on the horse," Sandy starts.

Kirsten clears her throat.

"I mean, you need to find more than sex in a relationship," he rephrases.

"Please, can't you just ground me?"

"I have just the girl in mind…." Sandy smiles.

I close my eyes. I thought it couldn't get worse.

-----------------

I am forced to stop Sandy by grabbing his wrist when he starts messing with my hair. He's worse than Kirsten. These people need a puppy or something to fuss over.

"I told her to meet you at that bistro that you guys keep going to around eight." Sandy pauses to check his watch. "Okay, you've got half an hour but don't show up early…that looks desperate. But not too late," he corrects himself, "you don't want to piss her off…."

"Yeah…okay, Dad, I think you need to be escorted out of the poolhouse now," Seth says, placing a hand on his father's chest and pushing him backward toward the door.

"Remember," Sandy struggles to get in his final words before Seth completely shuts him out, "her name's Victoria…or Vicki, I think is what her friends call her. Either way, she's around five foot --"

Seth slams the door in his father's face and lowers the blinds with a shake of his head. "God, I thought Mom was bad…."

I can't help but let out a small laugh. As much as I hate the idea of being set up by my guardian/lawyer, I couldn't bring myself to tell him no when he'd seemed so genuinely excited.

I have to admit that Victoria, or _Vicki_, does sound like a refreshing change…at least that's what I managed to pull from Sandy's rambling. She's not a 'Newpsie', having just moved to Newport a few months ago. Her father has just joined Sandy's firm and the two have conspired to arrange this set-up. I'm guessing that Sandy conveniently left out the part about me being a juvenile delinquent from felonious parents.

Though, like the majority of my previous dates, Vicki attends a private school and lives in a mansion on the coast, she's not a heavy partier and doesn't drink…something that Sandy was quick to point out. That last part normally wouldn't have affected me, but after Marissa, I want to stay as far away from drunken rich girls as possible. A tough feat to accomplish here in Newport.

As I try to fix whatever Sandy had done to my hair in the mirror, I hear one of the poolhouse doors slam behind me, followed by the rapid clicking of high heels on hardwood.

I turn to see Summer, her eyes scanning up and down as she appraises me.

"Uh huh," she starts, walking around behind me. I don't even want to know what she's looking at. "Yep. Okay. Damn, Chino. You're getting good at this!"

"Aw, thanks." I try to sound sarcastic but somehow, I'm flattered by her approval. If I've learned anything from all of these horrendous dates, it's how to dress and present myself accordingly.

"All right. That's enough. Your eyes should be over here," Seth interrupts, pointing to himself.

"Stop being so needy, Cohen," she scolds before planting a kiss on his pouting lips.

"Okay. Car. Now."

Seth and I shuffle out the door like children as Summer ushers us into the Rover.

"Now, Chino…." She turns to face me as Seth starts the car. It feels like she's going to tell me not to touch anything and keep my hands in my pockets. "I want you to be on your best behavior. That means no touching, no flirting, and please, no brooding. The girls eat that shit up."

"I can brood," Seth interrupts.

"Shut up, Cohen."

He nods and keeps his eyes on the road. She turns her attention back to me.

"I'm serious, Chino. Take it down a few notches… and I'm not talking about your belt."

"Speaking of belts, maybe we should get Ryan, like, some sort of chastity belt. You know, lock him up until he gets a few dates with the same girl under his belt…no pun intended."

What the hell is he talking about? I think his overactive imagination is taking over.

"You've been reading too many of those fucked up comic books, Cohen!" Summer says in disgust. "But don't think I won't do it," she threatens me with the wave of a finger. "I will lock you up and hide that key in a place you'd never think to look!"

I open my mouth to add my two cents to this beyond ridiculous conversation, but Seth beats me to it.

"Uh uh." He shakes his head. "No way! I've seen the way you look at his ass. You're not keeping that key. I'll keep the key."

Silence. Both Summer and I stare at him in disbelief.

"Cohen, do_ you _want to date Chino? Because I'll gladly step aside if that's what you really want…."

Oh my God. I'm locking the poolhouse doors at night from now on.

"I'm just saying that you don't need the temptation. You know Ryan, he's got this unbeatable sex power, and I have a feeling that if he doesn't get any for long enough, if you show up with that key, he'd overlook all of that brotherly loyalty crap and --"

"Okay. That's enough. No more talking… please," I beg from the backseat. I realize now that my eyes are squeezed shut. I can already tell this night's going to be a disaster. I wish there was some way to erase this entire conversation from my memory.

Much to my relief, the rest of the short drive is silent.

When we pull up to the restaurant, I spot Vicki immediately. She's standing outside, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest, rocking back and forth nervously as her eyes scan the parking lot. For some strange reason, her unconfident posture is appealing. I'm getting sick of those girls that never seem to get rattled.

The three of us approach from the side. She must see us, but she doesn't establish eye contact until I'm only a few feet away.

"Vicki?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies, her relief evident.

"I'm Ryan." I offer my hand and she reciprocates the action. I can hear Seth clearing his throat from behind me. I want to punch him. I'm just shaking her hand, not unfastening her bra. I turn my head to glare at him but his eyes are wide, and he nods towards Vicki's hand.

I follow his stare to see that Vicki is also wearing a wrist cuff. She pulls away from the handshake and smiles. She's cute. I think she might actually be shorter than me, and her hair is a sandy blond. She's small, but not too thin…she looks healthy and kind and shy. I'm reluctant to admit that I might like this girl already.

"These are my friends, Summer and Seth," I motion toward the two idiots behind me.

They all shake hands, and Summer and Vicki start on the small talk as we enter the restaurant.

Seth grabs my elbow, pulling me back a few steps behind the girls, and points to my wrist while mouthing, "It's meant to be, dude!"

I roll my eyes at him but I can't ignore the fact that it's rare to find a girl, especially in Newport, who shares some sort of fashion preference with me.

Mary sits us at our booth, which I think has been permanently reserved under our names, seeing as how no one else is ever seated there when we arrive unannounced.

"So, Vicki, where do you go to school?" Summer asks once we're situated.

"I go to Pacific," Vicki replies quietly with a smile.

"Oh no, the arch rival of the Pirate!" Seth makes some sort of retarded hooked-hand symbol and Vicki scrunches her brow in confusion. Summer slaps Seth's hand out of the way before continuing.

"And where did you move from?"

"Arizona."

Summer smiles. Seth nods. I open my mouth to say something, but end up shutting it shortly after. The conversation has officially reached its first awkward silence. Vicki's definitely not as forward as the other girls have been.

"I hear it's nice there," Seth adds the inane comment to break the silence.

"Well, it's nice, but California is gorgeous. I almost hate to admit it, seeing as how I was dragged away from my school and friends against my will, but I'm really starting to like it here."

"Dragged away?" I ask out of curiosity.

"Well, my father was transferred…." Vicki visibly relaxes as she continues to tell her story of upheaval and finally the conversation starts to flow. By the time we order, it's almost effortless. She's definitely more opinionated than I had first thought, seeing as how she keeps challenging Seth on trivial matters such as 'which is better, bacon burgers or classic cheeseburgers?'.

I can tell by the way she talks that she's been raised in a very wealthy family. She's a little snotty, but I have yet to meet a girl around here that's completely down to earth. Things are really going well until….

"I just think it's criminal for anyone to bring an underprivileged child into the world. I mean, the public school system sucks and if you're poor, then abortion should be, like, mandatory."

Seth and Summer are silent; their eyes are glued to my face.

"That's an interesting concept," I say quietly.

Vicki smiles at me.

"Ryan," Summer says quietly.

I don't know if she's worried I'm going to slap the girl or start yelling at her.

"Excuse me." I turn and see Mary standing behind me. I give her a polite nod before walking past to the bathroom.

I step inside and allow myself to breathe.

Vicki doesn't know about Teresa or our child. She's just an ignorant little spoiled brat who's trying to get her chance to slum it with the best of them. It's amazing how one sentence can completely change your opinion of a person.

I can't let her words upset me.

I'm angst-free. Seth declared me angst-free.

The door opens and I turn to face the mirror. I splash water on my face.

"You okay, kid?" I recognize one of the kitchen staff. I wonder why the hell he cares.

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"Mary sent me. Said tonight's girl upset you."

"I'm okay." That's nice of them to be concerned. "What's the vote on this one?"

"Kid, she's not even on the charts. You sure you're okay? You look a little green…."

"Fine. Don't I look okay?"

He grins. "I'll show you the back door. You can get some air."

I follow the old man out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

"Damn, kid, I had good money on this one!" A lady standing in front of the stove smiles.

I glance over and see a chart tacked onto the wall. It's titled _Blind Date #5_. "You guys are too much."

"Got to keep it interesting." The man grins, patting my back as he opens the back door into an alley.

I step outside.

"Come back in the same way, kid," he says, closing the door.

I can breathe. The air is cool and I can breathe. I feel my pockets. Wallet. Cell phone. Lighter. No cigarettes.

"Got a light?"

Mary offers me a cigarette. It's Teresa's brand. I accept and pass her the lighter.

We smoke in silence.

"Your friend's a bitch."

"Summer?"

"No, tonight's date. Summer was going off on her when Dad brought you out."

"He's your dad?"

"Yeah."

"He's cool."

"Yeah."

I take a long drag off my cigarette.

"So…you have kids?" she asks as she exhales.

"Nah." I hate small talk.

"But something set off your little friend."

"I should get back." Seth and Summer will be worried. I know she means well, but I don't want to talk. I'm angst-free. I should get a t-shirt so people will know. I take another drag off my cigarette.

"Your friends are pretty protective of you."

"They're great. Annoying as hell, but good friends."

"Ryan? Ryan!" I hear Seth's voice and the door swings open. "Thank God, man. Are you okay?" He's flushed with worry.

"Yeah, I just --"

"God, we thought you'd be curled in the corner or puking your guts out or something," Seth says, pulling me into a hug.

"What?" Once again, he has me completely baffled.

"You know, you're all about the angst and we thought Vicki the bitch had driven you into a pit of despair and you were going to run away or start drinking or selling drugs or cutting yourself…." He shakes his head in horror.

"I'm fine, Seth."

"Are you hurt?" Seth asks. His eyes, I assume, are scanning my body for injuries.

"Hurt?"

"Did Eddie show up? Or some other random thug? Did they hit you? Are you bleeding anywhere?"

"You've lost your mind…." I shake my head.

He frowns.

"Seth, I'm _fine_."

"But the brood is definitely back in full force," Seth mutters.

"I think your brother is fine now, he just needed a smoke," Mary intervenes.

"You're smoking? Oh God, this is worse than I thought. I better call Mom and Dad and tell them to call the therapist and the mental institution," Seth gasps.

"Seth."

He looks at me and I regret my harsh tone. I think he's actually serious.

He shakes his head. "Dude…."

"Listen to me. I'm fine. You're being neurotic."

"Really?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah."

"Well, did you know then, that the people in the kitchen have been betting on you?" Seth asks immediately.

"Sorry about that," Mary grins.

"Why didn't you tell us? I could have totally made some fast cash," Seth scolds her.

"Chino!"

"She's going to kill you when I tell her you were smoking," Seth says under his breath as the door swings open, revealing a flustered looking Summer.

"Goddammit, Chino!" I wince, closing my eyes and prepare for Summer's trademark scolding but I feel her thin arms around me. "Don't do that!"

"Now you're hugging him? Hey, insecure over here, too!" Seth says immediately, waving his hand for attention.

Summer releases me and immediately slaps me on the arm. "You're not allowed to disappear!"

"Sorry." I can't help but smile.

"Let's go back inside, this alley is just, ew…and the bitch, she's gone," Summer says, holding the door open as we walk back into the kitchen.

There is a subdued cheer from the kitchen staff as Summer enters.

"What did I miss?" I ask Mary. She shrugs, confused as well. She's really cute.

Mary's dad holds the door open for Summer and bows. "My lady, that was a fine cussing that you just gave that girl. But I'd appreciate if you'd watch your language in the future."

"Sorry about that," Seth says, putting his arm around Summer. "She suffers from rage blackouts."

The man nods. "Ah. That explains it. Enjoy the rest of your meal, kids."

"Where's Vicki?" I ask Summer as we sit down at the table.

"She won't be coming back," Summer says, as if that's enough explanation.

"Sorry, Ryan. This was the worst one yet," Seth says.

"No way. Lesbian was the worst…." Summer shudders.

"What about dominatrix girl?" Seth replies.

I let them argue and feel a hand on my shoulder. I glance up and see Mary standing behind me.

"Hey."

"If you're ever up for a date that's not so blind, here's my number," she whispers. Seth and Summer are still bickering.

Hey, this might not be a bust after all. I accept the slip of paper and give her a smile. She winks at me and walks away.

"Chino? Shit, Seth, he's going postal, he's smiling and…." Summer can't finish her sentence in her panicked state.

"We should rush him to HOAG," Seth starts, whipping out his phone.

"Why do you guys think I'm going to freak out?"

They both stop and stare at me.

"Because…because you're fragile."

"And angsty."

"And depressed."

"Stop it. I'm fine. I swear. You guys don't have to worry about me." And they don't. But they will and I suppose that's one of the reasons I love them so much.


	6. Chapter six

__

A/N - Thanks for supporting our little experiment with the funny. It's been a blast for us, too. Enjoy the last chapter.

__

- J & B

Disclaimer: It depresses me to write these. Perhaps if one of us marries Josh, without signing some sort of prenup, we can claim at least associated 'ownership' to these characters. Alas, that's not going to happen. Sigh....

The Chinos - Chapter Six

I dread walking into the house. Last night when we returned home, Seth and Summer thought they were being smooth but I know that they had some weird sort of 'Chino conference' with Sandy and Kirsten after I went to bed. I wouldn't even think of going into the kitchen if I wasn't starving.

I half-expected to find Seth leaning over me when I woke up this morning, he kept trying to smell my breath to see if I was drinking. As if I could sneak a drink with his smothering presence.

The phone rings as I'm putting my backpack over my shoulder to face the firing squad. It's damn early so it must be important.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ryan."

"Teresa, hey, what's going on? Are you all right?"

"Yeah, are you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Kirsten called me last night. She said you were upset…."

"They're overreacting." Great, they're bringing in the exes, alerting people across the state to my imaginary breakdown. Seriously, I'm going out after school and getting them a puppy…or a rabbit…anything to eat up all of their suffocating attention.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, Teresa. It was just a blind date. They're always painful."

"But Kirsten called me, Ry, it must have been something."

I don't want to tell Teresa what that girl said. She shouldn't have to hear things like that. It's too soon. I sit down on the bed. But I have to tell her something. She shouldn't be worrying about me. She has better things to worry about now.

"I got busted, Teresa."

"Busted?"

"In a broom closet. With a girl…."

Teresa laughs. "What?"

"At school."

"Ryan, what the hell?"

She's laughing and I remember how great it is to hear her laugh. I close my eyes and lie down on the bed.

"Ryan, you have got to tell me this story."

"If you'll stop laughing I'll tell you all about Kimmie…."

"Her name is Kimmie?" I hear her put the phone down as she laughs hysterically. It's going to be a long morning.

"Okay, sorry, Ryan. I'm sorry…what happened?"

"So the dean busts us and she calls Sandy and Kirsten…."

"Ouch…they were pissed, right?"

"Yeah. See, a few days ago, they decided to have the safe sex talk with me…."

"A little late on that, Ryan. About five years late."

"Yeah, tell me about it. But then, Sandy buys me all these kinky condoms…."

"What? Mr. Cohen bought you condoms?"

"Yeah. So it wasn't exactly the best time for me to get busted humping a random girl in a closet during class."

"Guess not," she laughs. "Damn, Ry, things are pretty weird for you out there, aren't they?"

"Yeah. Twilight zone kind of weird. But they're worried about me. And my _habits_."

"Your habits? I guess I shouldn't tell them that it wasn't the first time you've been alone in a closet with a girl, then, right?" she teases.

"Stop it. That was a long time ago, Teresa." I'd almost forgotten about that. God, we were kids back then.

"They're sweet. But that's not why Kirsten called me, is it?"

"I have no control over those people." It's true. They're nuts.

"What's going on?"

"Teresa, you of all people --"

"You're fine."

"I'm fine. I'm not upset, I'm not going to walk off a bridge or anything…."

"But you might find some random chick to fuck in the backseat of the Rover, right?"

"Who told you that?"

"Got you! I knew it!" She's enjoying this way too much. I wonder if she's working for Summer to torture me.

"Teresa, what…."

"I'm sorry," she giggles. I'd forgotten she could giggle. "It's just strange that the Cohens are all worried about your sex life."

"Tell me about it. What should I do?"

"Stay out of the closet, Ryan."

"I'm not in the closet."

"What about Seth?"

"What?"

"Sorry. Obscure reference. Are you okay, Ryan?"

"Yeah. I really am."

"And I believe you."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm better. But you're late for school. They've probably got a counselor waiting for you in the house."

"Thanks for the support, Teresa."

She laughs. "Keep it in your pants, Ryan."

The dial tone is a relief. I don't get up off the bed immediately. It was good to talk to her. She's one of the few constants in my life, she's always been there for me.

"Chino! Oh God, Cohen, he's catatonic!" Summer's shrill voice shatters my peace.

Maybe I can use this. I don't move.

"Get up, Chino! Get up!" Summer is bouncing on the bed now, panicked.

"Ryan? Oh God, it's finally happened," Seth whispers. I feel his hand against my forehead. I can barely contain my smile. But it's so worth it.

"This is all your fault! I told you we shouldn't have left him all alone out here!" I hear Summer's hand make contact with Seth's skin.

"Ow, Summer…it's not my fault he wouldn't sleep in my room last night…."

"Does he usually sleep in your room?" Summer retorts.

"No." I hear her slap him again. "Summer…."

"Go get your parents, tell them he's taking brooding to a dangerously high level."

"Are you sure he's not just asleep?" Seth asks. He starts to shake me. "Ryan? Ryan? Wake up."

Ow. Jesus. Is this how he normally wakes people up?

"Oh God, he's lost it," Summer whispers. I hear another slap.

"Dammit, Summer, how is hitting me going to bring him back?" Seth yells in a high pitched voice.

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Summer snaps.

It's silent and I probably should open my eyes to see what's going on. Too much quiet from these two is dangerous. I've tortured them long enough, and as I'm about to open my eyes, I feel soft lips pressed against mine.

I taste coconut as I pull away. My eyes shoot open to see Summer leaning over me, her eyelids clenched tightly as if she's in pain.

"Summer?" Seth is pale and stricken.

Thank God it was Summer….

"I had to try something, Seth," Summer says, flushed.

"I was just fucking with you both, but Summer…." I can't believe she kissed me.

"They always wake up when you kiss them, don't you know anything?" Summer looks to her boyfriend.

"But you've been tainted…you've been infected with the Chino love," Seth whispers. I think he's going to cry. Maybe I'll go put on the pants to cheer him up. Sadly, I'd be more comfortable with him staring at my ass than crying in my room.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about," she remarks. "Cohen's a much better kisser…."

"Really?" Seth squeaks. He seems pleased. I feel inadequate all of a sudden. Seth's a better kisser than me? Blasphemy. I wasn't trying. Not that that matters….

"This is just…." I don't know how my joke got so out of control.

"Weird," Seth and Summer say in unison.

"Guys, what's going on? You're all going to be late for school," Sandy announces. I think all three of us jump at his voice. Kirsten hasn't come near the poolhouse in the past few days. I think she's scared…or scarred.

"Nothing," Summer responds. "It's Chino's fault."

"Yep. It's all my fault," I respond as I get to my feet. Sandy looks at me with worried eyes but we're late so I don't have time to placate him. They're really worried about me. It's strange. They're worrying about me when I'm totally fine. I wonder if they always worry.

---------------

I make it through school relatively unscathed. Summer and Seth finally seem to accept that I'm fine, not suicidal or desolate, but fine. I'm waiting for the couple by the Range Rover in the parking lot.

"Hey, stud."

"Kimmie." I turn to face her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. You?" What the hell is she talking about.

"I'm grounded, but I've been grounded since I got here." She smiles, walks up closer and leans against the SUV beside me. "Ah, such fond memories of this vehicle." She runs a hand over the side panel of the Rover. Her bright red nail polish contrasts the shiny black…stop. Don't fall into her little sex trap.

"Kimmie, this…."

"You can't break up with me, we're not dating." She grins, leaning over and kissing me on the lips. She tastes good.

"Wait, stop." I put my hands on her shoulders and push her away gently.

"You don't want to play?"

"I can't play with you anymore…." God, does that sound as stupid as I think it does?

What the hell are we? Six?

Kimmie purses her lips, disappointed. "But I thought we were friends…."

"We are, but not like that. I can't keep doing this with you." I won't look at her lips. Her twinkling eyes. Her curves…God, I'm pathetic.

"It's all in fun, stud." She smiles again. "I don't understand why you keep saying no to me." Her fingers tug at the hemline of my shirt. I can't stop watching as her hand slips under my shirt and her warm fingers start to caress my skin. This isn't illegal. I mean, we're just two friends who enjoy touching each other…inappropriately…in a parking lot. I'm delusional.

"Step away from him, whore!" Summer's voice brings me back to reality. She's running across the parking lot in her platform shoes. Seth's struggling to keep up.

"What are you, his watchdog?" Kimmie doesn't move, she winks at me. She's enjoying this entirely too much.

"What are you, whore of the month?" Summer snaps. "Leave Chino alone…you had your chance."

"Come on, Sum, you're the one that hooked us up in the first place," Kimmie pouts. She pinches me underneath my shirt. I gasp. Seth glares at me, disgusted. He must think I'm getting off or something…. This is just so wrong.

I open my mouth to respond but Seth shakes his head at me, warning me not to interrupt. I guess he'll get his catfight after all.

"Don't call me _Sum_, and I wanted you guys to go out, not just fuck!" Summer retorts.

"We're just having fun, he doesn't mind…." Kimmie points to me with her free hand, looking angrily at Summer. She's even hotter when she's angry.

"Of course he doesn't mind, he's a man, but he's done with you." Summer glares at me.

She abruptly pulls Kimmie several steps back, away from me. Seth comes to my side.

"She's pissed."

"I swear, Seth, I was just waiting by the truck…."

"I believe you, man. But you suck."

"What?" Now he's mad, too?

"You have this weird sex vibe going on, it's like you can't control it. So it's okay. It's not your fault that the girls can't keep their hands off you."

"At least you're not blaming it on the pants anymore."

He shoves me and I shove him back. When we glance up, Summer and Kimmie are standing beside us.

Summer pokes Kimmie in the side. I thought my glare was bad, but Summer's glare is notorious.

"So, I'm sorry, Ryan. I won't try to seduce you anymore," Kimmie says reluctantly, rolling her eyes, like it's been rehearsed.

"What?" This is funny. Summer's tamed Kimmie?

"Summer says that we should just be friends," Kimmie holds out her hand as if to shake it. One thing we haven't done is shake hands.

I take her hand and shake it.

"Good. No more random sex." Summer nods, satisfied.

Kimmie catches me off balance as she pulls me toward her and kisses me deeply. When I open my eyes, she's sprinting across the parking lot. "Fuck you, Summer!" She laughs, one hand clutching her purse, the other waving in the air, middle finger extended.

Seth is holding Summer back, keeping her from chasing down the taller girl.

"Stay away from Chino!" Summer yells.

"Summer, relax," I try to calm her. "I had it all under control."

"Control? You have no control. You have zero self control, Chino, or else I wouldn't have to chase your groupies away," Summer says. "Get your hands off me." She shakes off Seth's restraining grip.

"Summer, you don't have to patrol him. Ryan's made it this far without our help, I'm sure he'll be okay," Seth says.

"Yeah, he'll do okay if he wants a string of one night stands to last forever. Don't you want your brother to be happy?"

"Well, if Kimmie makes him happy, then --"

"Shut up! You're not helping," Summer accuses, cutting him off with a whack of her purse.

"Ow! What the hell! Do you have a brick in there or something? You little raging…."

I take a couple of steps back to let them argue. Seth's backpack is beside mine on the pavement and I open it and pull out his phone. I dial the number I memorized the other night.

"Sal's Restaurant."

"Can I speak to Mary, please?"

"Hold please."

I hear the unmistakable sound of Summer's hand connecting with Seth's flesh and a slight yelp of pain. Ah, true love.

"This is Mary."

"Mary. It's Ryan. From the --"

"I know who you are. I'm glad you called."

"Yeah. Me, too. So. Do you want to hang out some time?"

She's quiet. "Hang out?"

"Like…go out?"

"You're really bad at this."

"So I've been told. There's a reason I never do this on my own."

"Why don't you meet me at the restaurant around seven?"

"Sounds good. I might have to bring my…posse with me. They don't trust me."

"Your 'posse'? I guess that's okay. The whole reason we have to meet at the restaurant is so my Dad can supervise. He's protective."

"Yeah, so is my 'posse'. So. I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah. Looking forward to it."

I close the phone and find Seth and Summer staring at me.

"Did you just make a date?" Seth asks.

"Maybe."

"Chino!" Summer slaps my arm.

"God, woman. We need to get you restraints or something."

---------

"So, Ryan. You and Seth are brothers?" Mary asks.

Ouch. Real conversation already? I haven't even had a chance to look at the menu yet…not that it matters, I think I know the entire thing by heart. Still, she's caught me off guard. I don't know if I'm ready for this. It's definitely a change.

"Not exactly. I live with his family."

"It's a long story," Seth adds.

"Definitely too long for the first date," Summer nods.

"Now I'm really interested," Mary smiles, looking to me. Seth and Summer are unusually silent.

She's so nice but it's all about to be over now. I should write a book on how to end a date in ten sentences or less. I could make money.

"Seth's dad is my lawyer. I got arrested last year and my mom kicked me out. They took me in." I look up from the table expecting to see disgust on her face but it looks like she's amused. I'm amusing? Huh. Must be the pants.

"Ryan's from Chino and it's, like, hell there, so there was nothing to do except get arrested," Seth says quickly. So now he decides to talk.

Mary looks at him like he's insane. She looks at him the way I always look at him. I'm suddenly inexplicably drawn to her.

"Seth wasn't impressed with Chino. He doesn't get out of Newport that often."

"So, what'd you do?" she asks. I hope she's not one of those girls who gets off on dating 'dangerous' guys. Those girls almost always need a defender and I'm tired of settling fights. I haven't taken a punch in weeks and it's actually been quite nice.

"Ryan?"

Oops, too long reflecting. "Stole a car."

"His brother stole a car," Summer amends. "Chino was just there."

"You have your own little defense team," Mary grins. She has a great smile. Great teeth.

"Apparently."

"So why do you guys have to chaperone Ryan?" Mary directs her attention to my 'defense team'.

"Chino's antisocial," Summer answers immediately. "He had a harsh summer and we want him to get out more. He's a little new to the 'dating' game."

"What about you? What's your story?" I try to ignore the curious stares from the restaurant's roaming staff.

"Born and raised in Southern Cali. I dropped out of school to help out my dad here in the restaurant." She lowers her voice. "He feels really guilty because I spend so much time working here but he hates all the friends I've made." She glances at me with a shy smile.

"He seems to like you, though."

I return her smile. It's nice to be able to flirt with her without Summer kicking me in the shins every five minutes. Maybe I'll have time for the bruises to fade.

This is going to be all right. Mary's…normal. Such a pleasant change.

------------------------

"This is the longest date yet," Seth remarks suddenly, a flicker of panic in his eyes.

"We've never made it past dinner before," Summer adds, looking stunned.

"We don't have a plan for this," Seth murmurs.

"I'd say they didn't have much faith in you if I hadn't seen your last few dates," Mary laughs.

"Chino's too good for those girls," Summer says. Wow. Is that a compliment from Summer?

"Hey, what about me?" Seth is, of course, insecure.

"You're mine. They're insignificant to us," Summer shrugs. He kisses her cheek with a smile.

"Everything okay?" Mary's father is beside our table, his hands nervously stuffed in his pockets.

"Fine, Dad," Mary sighs, blushing.

He holds out his hand and I shake it. "Have her home by midnight."

"Sure…of course…." I'm bad with the parents. I guess it depends on the parents, though. Jimmy liked me, Julie hated me. Eva…I guess Eva liked me. Kimmie's mom…better left unexplored.

"Uh oh, your dad set off the 'brood'," Seth says, glancing at Mary.

I roll my eyes at the couple. "I'm beginning to think I'd be better off without paranoid chaperones."

"Oh no, you'd like that wouldn't you? So you could ruin this perfect date with a romp in the Rover?" Summer grins. I think she's evil. If this was a TV show, I'd have to stake her. I'd stake her lots.

Mary isn't offended. She reaches over and takes my hand. "This is nice."

"Yeah. It's nice."

"Aww." Seth's grinning widely.

"We should take a picture," Summer says.

"No," Mary and I both say.

"Just kidding, God…." Summer smiles.

"So, what now?" Seth asks.

"Let's go back to your house. We can show Mary to the Cohens…." Summer suggests.

My God, she's not a puppy….

"You can show me to who?" Mary questions.

"My parents. They're cool, they won't bother us. But that way, we can have some private time," Seth starts.

"But Mary and Ryan can't have private time," Summer says suddenly.

I roll my eyes. "They think I can't control myself," I whisper to Mary.

"It takes two," she smiles. "What about me? You think I can control myself?"

"I don't know…"

Summer clears her throat. "You guys are too close."

I lean back with a sigh.

"Are you paying her to keep you celibate?" Mary asks.

"If so, it's not enough," Seth mutters.

"Come on guys, it's our first date…."

"Which doesn't mean anything to you," Summer reminds me.

"It all comes back to Kimmie," Seth nods, thoughtfully.

"Guys, stop it," I groan. "Let's just pay and get out of here."

"You're going to leave all the blinds open in the poolhouse," Summer says as I put the money on the table.

"Poolhouse?" Mary asks, following us to the door.

"I live in a poolhouse."

"Your pool has a house?"

-----------------

"Sandy, Kirsten, this is Mary."

"It's so nice to meet you," Kirsten extends her hand with a smile. Sandy follows suit, sporting that goofy expression he gets when he doesn't really know what to say.

"Nice to meet you both, as well." Mary sounds nervous, and I can't help but notice her eyes have been wandering in awe since we entered the gates of the subdivision. I felt the same way the first time I came here.

"Is there any way I could use your bathroom?" She meets my gaze with wide, questioning eyes.

"Sure." I place a hand on her shoulder and guide her down the hall, gesturing to the door.

"Thanks," she whispers, disappearing behind the door.

When I walk back out, Seth, Summer, Sandy and Kirsten are lined up behind the counter, each one is giving me a different look. Seth gives me the thumbs up, nodding and smiling. Summer has her head tilted, as if daring me to disobey her orders. Kirsten's smiling exuberantly. And Sandy…well, Sandy looks goofy.

"She's nice," Kirsten breaks the silence.

"Yeah." Sandy smiles broadly, nodding enthusiastically to show how much he agrees with his wife.

"You gonna show her the poolhouse?" Seth asks, not without receiving the glare-of-death from his girlfriend.

"Uh…I guess so."

"Be a gentleman, Ryan," Sandy says kindly, but I can read between the lines. I nod back at him.

"And…just…stay off your bed," Kirsten adds, her face flushing as she turns to meet my eyes.

"And no brooding," Summer continues the string of warnings.

"And for God's sake, man, don't bring out those pants," Seth finishes seriously.

I hear Mary's heals clicking on the tiles as she reenters the kitchen.

I turn to smile at her. "Want to see our pool's house?" I tease.

She nods, significantly shyer in front of the parents.

I wrap my arm around her waist and guide her to the doors.

"Ryan…." Summer's voice interrupts our exit. She smiles but doesn't finish her sentence.

"I got it guys…. Thanks."

All four observers smile as Mary steps outside in front of me.

"Just keep it in your chino's, Chino," Summer squeaks in the warning before I shut the door behind us.

"What was that?" Mary asks.

"Nothing," I answer, pulling her closer as we approach the poolhouse. "They're just obsessed with my pants."

-Fin-


End file.
